April Foolish Things to Say

Pam: I was talking on the phone today to a guy on the east coast. I was going to have to call him back with some information so I asked what time he would be leaving for the day. He said, get this, “I’ll be here two more hours eastern time.”

Ann: Well we are in the south after all. Maybe an eastern hour is just quicker than a southern hour.

Pam: I was chuckling as I told him I’d be sure to convert that but I don’t think he even realized how dumb what he said was.

Ann: Yeah, well its worse when they do know. I was on the phone with tech support once and the guy was absolutely no help at all. I was very frustrated that he couldn’t solve my problem and I asked him if he had any ideas at all. He actually told me, “Try calling back tomorrow. It’s my day off and maybe somebody else can help you.”

Pam: Unbelievable! That’s almost as bad as what my US Postmaster said to me when I called to complain about a lost package. When I told him that it was vital that the package be located and delivered, he told me, “Well if it was that important, why didn’t you send it FedEx?”

Ann: That’s funny but it’s also sort of sad. So much for pride in your job, huh? How ‘bout this one? I called a restaurant to find out whether they were on the east or west side of the street. And the young girl who answered told me, “It depends on which direction you’re coming from.”

Pam: That’s pathetic. I love it when I’m giving directions and I tell someone to turn left and go north for a while. And they ask, “So do I go left or do I go north?” as if you couldn’t do both at the same time.

Ann: You mean you can? Just kidding…

Pam: Did I ever tell you about what the doctor asked me when I was in labor with my daughter?

Ann: I don’t think so. What’d he say?

Pam: I promise this is the absolute truth. I’d been in labor for about ten or twelve hours when my hubby thought it’d be a good idea to feed the troops. So he ordered pizza for the doctors and nurses and they all cleared out of my labor room to have their feast at the nurse’s station.

So I’m in the labor room all alone when I begin to feel the baby literally moving down and out. I used the button to alert the nurse’s station and after about a minute or two the doctor strolls in with a piece of pizza in his hand and tomato sauce dribbling onto the surgical mask hanging below his chin.

I tell him, “Doc, I feel the baby coming out!” And he asks, “Where?”

Ann: No way!

Pam: I’m serious! I just stared at him for a moment and then finally answered, “The usual place.” Actually that doctor ended up becoming a close friend of the family and years later I mentioned what he said that night.

Ann: What did he say?

Pam: He laughed out loud and said he guessed he must have missed that page in the textbook. Then he explained what he was probably asking was if I was feeling the pressure and pain in my abdomen or in my back.

Ann: Which part of “out” didn’t he understand?

Pam: Alright, I have to admit it. Once I said something even more stupid than any of this.

Ann: I don’t think that’s possible.

Pam: I shouldn’t even tell you this. It’s humiliating.

Ann: Oh go ahead. You’re safe with me.

Pam: We’d just arrived in town and we were out looking at houses. The kids were little, just two and four. Well, we finally settled on a house and as we were leaving the neighborhood I was cheerfully pointing out all the advantages of our new location. As we drove out of the subdivision I looked across the street and I said… (Silence)

Ann: Well? Go on…what’d you say?

Pam: This is so embarrassing…I said, “Oh look! How wonderful. We have a car wash within walking distance.”

Ann: Alright, I have to say, that at least ties for the top dumbest thing ever said. Did you even realize at the time how silly it was?

Pam: That’s what’s so sad. It took my four-year-old son asking quite seriously, “Mommy, why would anyone walk to a car wash?” before it sank in.

Ann: Bright boy. I guess he got his father’s brains!