Google

Monday, April 30, 2007

Mom, Is That You?


Pam: Oh my God! It just happened. I had that moment.

Ann: Which one?

Pam: The one that inevitably happens to every woman. I have rollers in my hair and was working at the computer so I had on my new glasses.

Ann: I’ve never even seen you in those.

Pam: You haven’t? Well, I was in the bathroom washing my hands and I looked up and was startled to see my mother staring back at me. I’m stunned….literally.

Ann: You’ll get over it. That happened to me a long time ago. It may be your first time but it won’t be your last.

Pam: All my life I’ve heard women joke about seeing their mothers in the mirror but I had no idea what a profound experience it is. I’m not kidding, it scared me.

Ann: Just wait until you hear her voice come out of your mouth. Then you’ll really be spooked.

Pam: Oh that’s happened already.

Ann: I swore I would never say a lot of the things my mother used to say to us.

Pam: I did too. My mom used to annoy the heck out of me. I’d be having a typical adolescent meltdown pleading my case in an immature way. She’d respond by calmly saying, “I will not reinforce that type of behavior.” That just made me angrier.


Ann: I’ve heard you say that before.

Pam: I know. The first time I heard those words come out of my mouth, I literally looked around to see if my mom was there. But I knew she was four states away.

Ann: She’s quite the ventriloquist!

When I first channeled my mother, I looked at my kids and asked, “Did I just sound like Grandma?” When they nodded, in a panic I unmade my bed and un-alphabetized my spices.

Pam: Aren’t you a little old to be rebelling? Besides, that’s a pretty pathetic attempt.

Ann: I’m getting a tattoo tomorrow.

Pam: Our only consolation in this is that someday Hannah and Kate will look into a mirror and see us staring back at them.

Ann: Beware, objects in the mirror are closer than they seem.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Parrots In Disguise

Ann: I love that new country song by Rodney Atkins, “Watching You".

Pam: Is that the one where the guy’s four-year-old son says a swear word and the dad asks him where he learned to talk that way? The little boy tells him, “I’ve been watching you”.

Ann: Yeah, and then the dad’s so mortified by his bad example he goes to the barn and prays for God to make him a better father. Later that night the little boy kneels and prays and again tells his dad, “I’ve been watching you.”

Pam: It’s a great song. It really brings back memories of when my kids were little.


Ann: Every time I hear it I think of my nephew. When he and Hannah were about two they used to ride around the house on those little scooty cars. One day Hannah was in his way so he said, “Beep, beep. Outta the way, a$*#ole!”

Pam: Wow! Two-year-old road rage! I hope he wasn’t carrying a concealed water gun. This is Texas after all. What’d ya do?

Ann: Well, first I closed my dropped jaw. I’ve never heard a little kid say such a thing. Then I had to fight not to laugh.

Pam: Did he know what he’d said was wrong?

Ann: They knew something wasn’t quite right because they both looked up at me with that innocent face that only children can pull off.

Pam: I don’t know. I think your ex did a pretty good job with that face in his day. Was your sister there?

Ann: Yeah. I teased her and said, “I guess I know what goes on in your car.” She just looked back at me and with no expression said, “He’s been riding with his dad.”
Link to article 'The Root Cause of Road Rage'
Pam: Did you believe her?

Ann: Not really. I’ve been a passenger with her too many times.

Pam: I was always amazed how much the kids picked up when I thought they weren’t even paying attention.

Ann: I think we all did the same thing to our parents when we were little. Once when I was about three, one of my dad’s business associates was coming to the house. Now, I don’t remember this but it’s one of those family stories that gets told over and over.

Pam: Don’t you hate those?

Ann: I love telling them on my kids. I hate them when I'm the lead character.

Pam: So you can dish it out but you can’t take it!

Ann: Basically. So anyway, I must have been eavesdropping on my parents or they forgot I was in the room, because when the guy came to the door I said, “My mommy doesn’t like you.”

Pam: You didn’t! Your mom must have been mortified. Were you punished?

Ann: The story never gets told beyond that point so I don’t know for sure what happened. But every time they tell it, I get the oddest taste of soap in my mouth.

Pam: At least I hope the guy had a sense of humor.

Ann: Me, too. So fess up. How’d you embarrass your parents?

Pam: Me? I was the perfect child!

Ann: Yeah, yeah. I know better than that. Spill!

Pam: My family tells one of those stories on me, too. I actually kind of remember. I must have been about three or four and we’d just come back from vacation. I loved playing with all the new critters I’d seen on the beach. Anyway, my dad’s commanding officer and his wife were coming over for dinner. I’d heard my folks talking about them and I remember being very excited to meet the wife. What I’d heard my mom say about her seemed pretty cool.

When they got to our house, I peeped out from behind my mother’s skirt as she answered the door. But when I saw the commanding officer’s wife I was really disappointed. So I said loudly, “Mommy, you were wrong. She doesn’t look crabby at all!"

Friday, April 27, 2007

Cooking Up Some Date Bait

Pam: My mom was the worst cook since the invention of fire. Let me tell ya, when she went into the kitchen to cook, the onions started to cry.

Ann: But you can cook. How’d that happen?

Pam: I had to learn, or starve to death! But don’t be fooled, I have been known to blacken a few dinners in my time.

Ann: Hey, what you do is called burning. To “blacken” takes a professional.

Pam: Very funny, but I come by it honestly. Nothing my mom made even looked like it was supposed to. Her meat was gray, her gelatin molds were just thick liquid in the bottom of the bowl, and her mashed potatoes were actually stringy.

Ann: I’ve heard of lumpy, but stringy?


Pam: Don’t ask! And worst of all she put saccharin in everything. Remember before they had powdered saccharin? They had those tiny little saccharin tablets. She would crush ‘em up to use anywhere a recipe called for sugar. You’d be eating and suddenly bite into a chunk of one of those things and the salivary glands under your tongue would go into spasms from the tart sweetness. It was the worst.

Ann: I was lucky. My sister and I actually used my mom’s great cooking as date bait. I guess it’s true that the way to a guy’s heart really is through his stomach.

Pam: You’re just lucky they didn’t fall in love with your mother instead of you.

Ann: Yeah, but it would have been nice to go out to dinner once in a while.

Pam: My mom’s cooking was helpful in my relationships too. Whenever I wanted to end it with a guy, all I had to do was bring him home for dinner. I never saw him again.

Ann: Do ya think our meals are “bait-worthy”? Do your kids like it when you cook?

Pam: They like it when I cook but not necessarily what I cook. Ross is my carnivore. If I make just spinach casserole or a fruit salad, he’ll say he didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.

Ann: You should hand him a club and tell him not to come back with anything less than a saber tooth tiger. And when he does, make him grill it up himself.

Pam: Don’t laugh. My kids are actually both pretty good cooks when they’re in the mood. But most of the time they’re not in the mood.

Ann: What do they say “Not tonight mom, I’ve got a headache.”?

Pam: That line never works for anyone.

The kids were home for spring break and Kate was complaining that there was absolutely nothing to eat in the house. I knew it wasn’t true because I’d made a trip to the grocery store to stock up just before they arrived. I told her to check the pantry. She opened the door and stood in front of it and actually told me, “There’s nothing to eat. All we have is ingredients!”

Ann: Did you remind her that if you mix them together, they miraculously become a meal?

Pam: Sure. But I'm supposed to be the miracle worker. How about your kids? They ever cook?

Ann: Well Troy gives it a try once in a while. But his idea of cooking is--if at first you don’t succeed, order pizza.

Pam: Yeah, if you turn to Ross’ favorite recipe in the family cook book, all you’ll find is directions to the neighborhood Mexican restaurant.

Ann: Pizza and burritos. When the boys are in charge of dinner it sounds like our stomachs are in jeopardy.

Pam: Alex, I’ll take Alka Seltzer for $200…

Link to the History of Speedy

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

ADD a Little Menopause

Ann: As if being ADD isn't challenging enough, now I get to enjoy the delights of menopause with that foggy brain stuff. The double whammy just might be deadly.

Pam: That’s crazy.

Ann: No, I am. That’s the point.

Pam: You can’t blame menopause for crazy unless you were menopausal at 32, ‘cuz you’ve been crazy as long as I’ve known you. Either way, I doubt it’s deadly.

Ann: Well, if not deadly, it’s at least embarrassing. I feel like Dory in Finding Nemo. You won’t believe what I did yesterday.

Pam: Oh, I bet I will. I’ve known you a loooong time, remember?

Ann: If I could remember, I wouldn’t have this story to tell.


Pam: So how do you remember the story?

Ann: If you keep interrupting me I won’t.

Pam: Sorry, I forgot about your ADD thing.

Ann: Now who’s foggy brained? So what’s your excuse?

Pam: My excuse? As usual, I’m lost in the fog of your meandering mind. Here… take my hand… follow me back. What happened yesterday?

Ann: Gimme a minute… oh yeah. Yesterday was the annual mother/daughter fashion show for Hannah’s high school. We’ve never gone before but since the seniors and their moms do the modeling, we decided to go this year. I’m glad we did, by the way.

Pam: Yeah, I’m sure it made for a wonderful and sentimental memory for you to forget.

Ann: Trust me, I won’t likely forget this one. But not for the mother/daughter moment. I still haven’t told you what happened.

Remember the other night when we went to try on the clothes we were modeling? They gave Hannah a headband and necklace to go with her dress but we decided to wear our own earrings. It was great because all we had to do was show up at the hotel and all the stuff was there waiting for us.

Pam: The perfect setup for a menopausal woman with ADD.

Ann: You’d think, but hold on. The dress I was modeling was black and white so I decided to wear my pearl earrings. While I was putting them on, Hannah came in to borrow some earrings to match her dress and off we went.

We roamed around the hotel for awhile checking things out and talking to all our friends. We finally got to the room where we were supposed to change clothes. As I was dressing, I realized I was wearing only one earring.

Pam: Oh no! You lost one of your good pearl earrings?

Ann: Yeah, I was pretty bummed. Several of the moms helped me look around. We were all on our hands and knees in the changing room looking under tables and chairs. Some even backtracked with me, but since I’d been all over the place, we figured it was hopeless.

Pam: So what’d ya do?

Ann: I covered the naked ear with my hair and tried not to obsess about it. I still felt kind of silly.

Pam: That’s really a bummer. But it’s not that embarrassing. And I don’t see how it makes you crazy. Everybody loses things.

Ann: Well, in this case, the only thing I lost was my self-assurance. When I got home, I went to put away my lone pearl earring and there, in the black velvet box, was the missing one.

Pam: You mean you never put it on in the first place?

Ann: Brilliant deduction. I had been putting on my left earring when Hannah came in and I never got around to the right one.

Pam: Did you tell those poor women with the rug-burned knees?

Ann: Not a chance. Do you think I’m crazy?

Pam: Wasn’t that the moral of the story?

Ann: No, the moral of the story is never interrupt a menopausal woman with ADD.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

You Can Never Be Too Rich

Link to article 'Gold as an Investment'Pam: I like to think I’m above being fascinated by the uber-wealthy. But I have to admit that I’m curious about how they live.

Ann: You’re not alone. That's why that TV show “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” was so popular.

Pam: Yeah, the new generation’s version of that show is rappers on MTV showing people their “cribs”. It’s pretty funny. Talk about “new money”…

Ann: …and all that that implies! But you don’t have to rely on Hollywood for your glimpses, since your job puts you up close and personal with “old money” folks.

Pam: Yeah, in fact, just the other day I went to Mrs. B’s home to get signatures on some contracts. This lady has luxurious mansions all over the country, but her local home is a huge penthouse condo with an incredible 360ยบ view of the city. When I got there, the housekeeper answered the door, but when Mrs. B heard my voice she shouted from her bedroom for me to “come on back”!

Ann: She sounds pretty casual.

Pam: She really is. She was still getting ready for a shareholder’s meeting that she was headed to and she very sweetly asked me to pull the contracts out of the envelope.

Ann: She’s the one who was born into a whole boatload of money right?


Pam:
Right. And then she snagged a rich husband to boot, so she certainly qualifies as one of the “ubers”.

Ann: But she doesn’t look down her nose at you?

Pam: Oh no! She’s as sweet as can be. She treats absolutely everyone like they’re royalty. Instead of saying her housekeeper has “worked for” her for so many years, she says, “Hester has been with the family for ages” and stuff like that. She gives more to charity and good causes in a day than we will in a lifetime.


Ann: Well, I’m a follower of what Chico Marx said in At the Circus, “I ain’t got nothin’, but you can always have half.”

Pam: She was grabbing her scarf and packing her bag, and caught me eyeing a needlepoint pillow in her reading chair. It said, “People who say money can’t buy happiness don’t know where to shop”.

Ann: Yeah, too bad happiness can’t buy you money.

Pam: She smiled and asked, “Do you like my pillow?” I told her yes, that it was very pretty.

Then she said it was also very true. She said, “Pam, don’t ever let anyone tell you that money is a burden. It’s WONDERFUL!”

Ann: I love it! A rich person who actually admits being rich is great.

Pam: Without reading the contracts, she signed each page, asking me if we’d made the best deal. But before I could answer she said, “Oh never mind. You always do a great job!” She flipped them closed, handed them back to me and said, “Ride down with me,” meaning the private elevator down to the lobby. On the way down she got a call from one of her adult children. When she hung up she said, “That was one of my dependently wealthy kids…”

Ann: What a great sense of humor. Do you think I'm too old to be adopted?

Link to Adoption.com

Monday, April 23, 2007

Teaching By Example

Link to School Chalkboard Sign GeneratorPam: Well Ross just called. He finally took defensive driving to get a discount on his car insurance.

Ann: Yeah, you said he was going to one of those classes they have at the comedy club.

Pam: He did. I asked him if he learned anything and he said, “Yeah, never date a married woman”.

Ann: What?

Pam: Apparently the comedic defensive driving teacher was severely depressed and spent the entire day brooding over the fact that his married girlfriend won’t leave her husband. When they showed the movie and a car was crushed by a train, the instructor mumbled, “Poor slob’s better off anyway”.

Ann: Now that’s depressed.

Pam: Maybe they should change the name from “The Chuckles Warehouse” to “The Chuck It Warehouse”.

Ann: Here I’d always thought those comedy classes were the way to go to beat the boredom. Troy took his class at a restaurant. When he got there, the hostess took him to a dining room with a full view of the front parking lot. The other students were there but the instructor wasn’t.

They were entertained though, as they watched out the window while some poor guy was getting a traffic ticket.

Pam: How ironic!

Ann: The funny part was when the guy parked and came inside. Turns out he was the instructor!

Pam: Well, they say those who can’t do, teach. Did he tell them what just happened?

Ann: No. You’d think he’d use it as a living example of what not to do. But he just stood up there preaching the gospel according to the Department of Public Safety just like a good televangelist with a deep, dark secret.

Pam: I’m proud to say that I’ve never had a traffic ticket.

Ann: Wow! You’ve been driving for more than twenty-five years and you’ve never been pulled over?

Pam: I didn’t say I’ve never been pulled over!

Sunday, April 22, 2007

A Spell Of Dyslexia

Pam: I can’t decide if I’m lazy or dyslexic. But there must be some reason I can’t spell to save my life.

Ann: You’re not lazy or stupid so I guess that leaves dyslexic.

Pam: Hey! Who said anything about stupid?

I have a whole box of my grade school papers in the attic. Up until about third grade they all have my name at the top spelled, “M, A, and a backwards P”. I wrote in exact mirror image until I was almost eight years old.

Ann: Seriously?

Pam: Yeah. In fact, you won’t believe this. I still sometimes struggle to remember which way a 3 goes versus an E. If I’m writing by hand I have to refer to a keyboard or other reference to get it right.

Ann: So that’s why you wrote me that check for E-hundred dollars, huh?

Pam: Very funny.

Ann: Seriously, I had no idea. I remember talking to Troy’s kindergarten teacher when he wrote letters backwards. She assured me he’d outgrow it. Sounds like you never did. But I don’t remember your kiddos struggling when they were younger.


Pam:
Ross didn’t. He was always a great speller. By the time he was about six I was asking him how to spell things. Sometimes he’d actually help me spell words on notes to his teachers!

Ann: That explains why you think hooky is spelled, “S-I-C-K”. What about Kate?

Pam: Poor thing…she got my awful-speller gene. But, lucky for her, she was born at the right time. She never had to go through school without the wonderful invention of word processors with spell check.

Ann: Good thing for you, too, now that Ross is away at college and isn't here to help you anymore.

Pam: And believe me, I use it! You know I don’t believe in sending thank you notes and sympathy messages by email. I think they should be handwritten on nice stationery. But when I write one, I actually type up what I want to say on a word processor and then print it out and copy it by hand. It’s a lot more work, but at least that way I don’t embarrass myself.

Ann: Yeah, dyslexia can definitely result in embarrassment. When I was a kid, our parish priest always had the honor of being the moderator for the regional spelling bee. One time the word was supposed to be “ogre”. But he misread it and pronounced it as “orgy”.

Pam: Did he realize what he had said? Did he correct himself?

Ann: Not until the kid asked for a definition and the entire room burst out laughing.

Link to the Scripps National Spelling Bee

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Cyber Sexy

Pam: Since Kate took dual credit courses when she was in high school, I still get the local community college course schedule in the mail. I found the perfect class to get us in shape for swimsuit season.

Ann: Great! Tell me it’s something exciting enough to pull me away from my computer.

Pam: You won’t believe this, but you won’t have to leave your computer at all.

Ann: I thought it was an exercise class?

Pam: It’s an actual class for PE credit. Get this…an On-line Walking class.

Ann: You’ve got to be kidding!

Pam: No, I’m not. It’s a real class.

Ann: I don’t get it. You mean they teach you to walk a line? Are they teaching how to pass a drunk driving test?

Pam: No. Students get credit for logging onto their computers and entering the amount of walking they’ve done each week.

Ann: And parents are paying tuition for this?

Pam: Not this parent!

Ann: A virtual PE class? Now I’ve heard everything! Actually, it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Pam: You’ve definitely lost your mind.

Ann: Think about it. We could log our miles by walking an on-line mall to shop for our virtual swimsuits.

Pam: Finally, a world where we have perfect bodies!

Tell A Friend Script provided free of charge by ITistic Inc..