A Foolish Mom And Her Money

Ann: My house looks like it’s in a horror movie. There are literally thousands of furry caterpillars covering the entire outside.

Pam: Is that from the webworms we saw a couple weeks ago that were all over that huge tree out front?

Ann: Yeah, it’s pretty creepy. I wish I could at least charge them rent.

Pam: Better yet, gather them up and sell ‘em.

Ann: Who on earth would pay for caterpillars?

Pam: Oh how soon you forget. Remember when Ross was about seven? I made the mistake of agreeing to step into the pet store to look at the puppies. But Ross became fascinated with the anoles.

Ann: What the heck’s an anole?

Pam: That’s a fancy pet store term for a common garden lizard. They seem to think that using an exotic name will convince a gullible, indulgent mother to make the purchase.

Ann: Well, apparently it worked because I remember when you had those particular pets.

Pam: It started out simply enough – a clear plastic cage and two lizards. Then they tried to sell me ceramic sticks for them to crawl on.

Ann: Heck, I had plenty of real ones I’d have sold you.

Pam: I said I had an endless supply of sticks in my yard. Believe it or not, they said outdoor sticks weren’t sterile and the anoles would get sick. Ross looked up at me in a panic.

Ann: What, did Ross think the lizards in the yard were taking high-powered antibiotics? So did you buy the fake sticks?

Pam: No, but I must confess, to ease his mind, we boiled EVERY stick before it went into the cage.

Ann: So how does this help me with my caterpillars?

Pam: I’m getting there. We bought freeze-dried lizard food but the stupid lizards wouldn’t eat it and after a couple of days their little tummies were starting to cave in. So it was back to the pet shop for advice.

They told me the lizards might prefer live food and sold me a margarine tub full of mealworms. I had to keep them in the fridge so they would stay dormant until I put them in the cage. Then they’d warm up, wiggle and draw the lizards’ attention.


Ann: So did that make the lizards fat and happy?

Pam: Only one, the other one must have been a gourmet and mealworms must not have qualified. So it was back to the pet store yet again.

This time, they told me that he probably wanted to ‘hunt’ his own food and they sold me a clear plastic bag with three live crickets.

Ann: Yuck!

Pam: Yeah, it was nasty but it worked. Both lizards loved ‘em. Unfortunately it wasn’t ‘cricket season’ so I couldn’t gather them myself. I had to stop by the pet store every couple of days for fresh crickets. Well, that got old fast, so believe it or not, I bought a second cage to fill with crickets.


Ann: So what’s the life expectancy of a cricket in captivity?

Pam: I assume you mean prior to being put in the lizard cage. That leads to the next absurdity. To keep the crickets alive while they awaited their fate, I had to buy cricket food.

Ann: Let me get this straight, you bought food for the food?

Pam: I told you it was absurd. This is what mothers do.

Ann: You forget, I’m a mom too, and I can honestly say I never had dormant mealworms sleeping in my fridge or bought food to feed the food for our pets.

Pam: Well, I said I’m a gullible, indulgent mother.

Ann: In that case, back to my caterpillars. Have I got a deal for you!

You Can Never Be Too Rich

Pam: I like to think I’m above being fascinated by the uber-wealthy. But I have to admit that I’m curious about how they live.

Ann: You’re not alone. That's why that TV show “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” was so popular.

Pam: Yeah, the new generation’s version of that show is rappers on MTV showing people their “cribs”. It’s pretty funny. Talk about “new money”…

Ann: …and all that that implies! But you don’t have to rely on Hollywood for your glimpses, since your job puts you up close and personal with “old money” folks.

Pam: Yeah, in fact, just the other day I went to Mrs. B’s home to get signatures on some contracts. This lady has luxurious mansions all over the country, but her local home is a huge penthouse condo with an incredible 360º view of the city. When I got there, the housekeeper answered the door, but when Mrs. B heard my voice she shouted from her bedroom for me to “come on back”!

Ann: She sounds pretty casual.

Pam: She really is. She was still getting ready for a shareholder’s meeting that she was headed to and she very sweetly asked me to pull the contracts out of the envelope.

Ann: She’s the one who was born into a whole boatload of money right?


Pam: Right. And then she snagged a rich husband to boot, so she certainly qualifies as one of the “ubers”.

Ann: But she doesn’t look down her nose at you?

Pam: Oh no! She’s as sweet as can be. She treats absolutely everyone like they’re royalty. Instead of saying her housekeeper has “worked for” her for so many years, she says, “Hester has been with the family for ages” and stuff like that. She gives more to charity and good causes in a day than we will in a lifetime.


Ann: Well, I’m a follower of what Chico Marx said in At the Circus, “I ain’t got nothin’, but you can always have half.”

Pam: She was grabbing her scarf and packing her bag, and caught me eyeing a needlepoint pillow in her reading chair. It said, “People who say money can’t buy happiness don’t know where to shop”.

Ann: Yeah, too bad happiness can’t buy you money.

Pam: She smiled and asked, “Do you like my pillow?” I told her yes, that it was very pretty.

Then she said it was also very true. She said, “Pam, don’t ever let anyone tell you that money is a burden. It’s WONDERFUL!”

Ann: I love it! A rich person who actually admits being rich is great.

Pam: Without reading the contracts, she signed each page, asking me if we’d made the best deal. But before I could answer she said, “Oh never mind. You always do a great job!” She flipped them closed, handed them back to me and said, “Ride down with me,” meaning the private elevator down to the lobby. On the way down she got a call from one of her adult children. When she hung up she said, “That was one of my dependently wealthy kids…”

Ann: What a great sense of humor. Do you think I'm too old to be adopted?