Pet Therapy

Ann: I was just watching reruns of “Frasier”. The dad’s dog, Eddie, had a little friend, a pigeon who would come and sit on the balcony. It made me think of you and the menagerie of animals you used to have at your house. Didn’t Kate’s dog, Misfit, have a pet?

Pam: Don’t remind me! Yeah…our dog had a pet. It was actually a compromise. Kate kept insisting Misfit was lonely and needed a ‘wife’. We weren’t about to add another dog to the household so we settled on a guinea pig.

Ann: What was his name again?

Pam: Fred. He was pretty cute and believe it or not, he really did seem to be Misfit’s pet. Imagine a little Chihuahua and a guinea pig that would play together, share their treats with each other, and even sleep together.

Ann: Only at your house!


Pam: It wasn’t always such smooth sailing though. Kate really got her feelings hurt when after Misfit had his pet guinea pig for about six months, Bret called her from the pet food aisle at the grocery store. He was standing in front of all the bags of critter food and called to ask Kate, “What kind of animal is Fred again?”

Ann: He didn’t know what kind of animal the guinea pig was?!

Pam: Yeah. Later he told me that he knew Fred was a furry rodent of some kind but when he got to the store and saw all the pictures on the bags, they all looked like Fred to him. He couldn’t remember if Fred was a guinea pig, a gerbil, a ferret, or what. Kate was pretty upset with her dad and told him, “What if someone had to ask what kind of animal you were? How would that make you feel?”

Ann: It didn’t seem to bother my college boyfriend when I’d ask him that question.

Pam: So what kind of animal was he?

Ann: I think I was dating an octopus.

Pam: At least Bret only had to endure Kate’s hurt feelings. That darn guinea pig almost caused me to lose a huge deal.

Ann: Okay…only you could blame a deal falling through on a guinea pig! I’m ready…let’s have it.


Pam: I was sitting in an important lunch meeting about to convince new clients to sign a huge contract when my cell phone vibrated and I saw it was Kate. She was about thirteen at the time and she knew not to call during the work day unless it was urgent. So I gave my apologies to the businessmen at my table, told them it was urgent, and answered the phone as discretely as I could.

Ann: I hate having to take a call at a time like that…everyone’s focused on you wondering what’s so important that you had to interrupt a meeting with a call. Did you step out?

Pam: I couldn’t. I was ‘trapped’ in the very center of one of those big round booths so I couldn’t step away without making half the table ‘scoot and stand’. I just hoped it would be a quick call and kept my voice down. Or so I thought.

Ann: It’s hard not to hear someone on the phone at the same table.

Pam: Kate sounded upset and she said she was worried about Fred. As I listened to her concerns the men at the table appeared to go on with their own conversations so I focused on Kate and on trying to figure out what the problem was.

Ann: Misfit’s pet guinea pig was sick?


Pam: In a manner of speaking…So I was listening to Kate and I was trying to understand her concerns and reassure her. Unfortunately my question to Kate came right during a lull in the conversation at the lunch table and the businessmen all heard me ask, “So how can you tell your dog’s guinea pig is depressed?” They suddenly all burst into laughter and instantly my credibility dropped through the floor.

Ann: What did you expect? In a single sentence you revealed that your daughter’s pet had a pet and that she believed it was suffering an emotional illness. I’ve known you for nearly twenty years and I’m wondering about you myself now!

Pam: She described the ‘symptoms’ and I told her I was sure that Fred was just fine.

Ann: Not so fast…maybe the fact that Bret didn’t know what kind of animal he was sent Fred into a clinical depression. Perhaps he needs therapy.

Pam: Hey, don’t give Kate any ideas!

You Can't Fix Stupid

Ann: I’ve had it with stupid people! My internet was out all morning and I called the customer service line. It said, “If your high speed internet is down, press one.” So I did and the recording I got said that the wait time was currently 48 minutes and that for faster service I should visit their web page.

Pam: That’s like that special address the government has where people can write if they want help with their illiteracy.

Ann: I don’t know what it is…some say the planet is getting warmer; I say it’s getting dumber. When I took the kids to Carlsbad Caverns, Troy actually heard a guy ask the Park Ranger, “How much of the cave is underground?”

Pam: Wow. What is it about tourists? When Bret and I were in Mexico visiting Tulum we were with a group from the cruise ship checking out the Mayan ruins. One of the people asked the tour guide, “Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?”

Ann: How on earth did the tour guide respond to such a stupid question?

Pam: Actually he was pretty quick on his feet. He said, “You’re incredibly fortunate. As a matter of fact, this very site was a previously undiscovered ruin!”

Ann: I assume from the level of intellect demonstrated in his question that the tourist bought it.

Pam: He was very impressed. It’s sort of scary.


Ann: You’re telling me! But you’re right, it is something about tourists. I was in San Antonio and was standing in front of the Alamo with my camera, waiting for people to step out of my shot. I swear I heard a guy in all seriousness say, “Why the heck did they build the Alamo right in the middle of downtown?

Pam: You’ve got to be kidding me!

Ann: Wait it gets better. The woman he was with said, “Yeah, they should have planned better. There’s no parking here!”

Pam: Yeah, what was Davy Crocket thinking?! My all time favorite is when I was interviewing a young man for a job. He showed up at my office a little late and apologized saying that there was construction along the way on a certain road.

Ann: Was it just a lame excuse?

Pam: Not at all. I was familiar with the area he was talking about and I mentioned to him that they were working on building a tunnel under the runway of the small corporate airport just to the east of us. With a very straight face he actually said, “Why didn’t they just build a bridge?”

Ann: He had to be kidding!

Pam: He wasn’t. I kept waiting for the smile to indicate it was an attempt at humor but it never came. When I pointed out the drawbacks of having a bridge over a runway, at least he had the good sense to be embarrassed.

Ann: Sounds like executive material.

Hit The Road Jack

Pam: Archie had another ugly break up last night. In case you were wondering, dining in a high-end restaurant does not prevent a woman from making a scene. He came into the office all sullen because his now-ex has taken a hostage--the claim ticket for his good watch.

Ann: How did she get that?

Pam: She had it ‘cause she has a jeweler friend and took Archie’s prized family heirloom watch in to have the crystal replaced. Now she says he’ll never see it again.

Ann: That’s awful.

Pam: Well I only feel half sorry for him. He spent the entire past month acting like a real jerk trying to get her to break up with him. He even told her she’d gained weight and constantly said she was just like her mother. But in the end, he had to just bite the bullet and do it himself.

Ann: In that case, I say she deserves the watch. You know Archie’s got a twisted sense of humor that gets him in trouble. When he was dating my friend Sarah he told her there were three little words he never wants to hear during sex. She asked, “You don’t ever want to hear, ‘I love you’?” And he told her the three little words he never wants to hear during sex are, “Honey, I’m home!”

Pam: He gets what he deserves. Kate’s friend just broke up with her boyfriend for a bizarre reason. She actually told him she had to break up with him because their relationship was pulling her away from God.

Ann: Well that’s a new one! I always wondered if it was better to be dumped because there was someone else or not. If someone dumps you for someone else they’re saying, “I like them better than you.” But if there’s no one else, they’re saying, “I’d rather be alone than be with you.”

Pam: Hey, at least this guy got dumped for God. He’s tough to compete with! I was talking to someone at my high school reunion who was broken up with by her fiancé’s doorman. She showed up for a date and he informed her that her “gentleman friend would not be coming down….ever.”

Ann: I can top that one. I have a friend, Harold, who was actually told his marriage was over in an email.


Pam: She emailed him that she wanted a divorce?!

Ann: No. She didn’t…her therapist did!

Pam: Wow. That’s cold. At least it wasn't a text message. When I was in high school I took a creative writing course. Sister Pauline gave us an assignment to write a painful but heartfelt letter to a fictitious boyfriend breaking up with him for whatever reason we wanted to invent. She called it the “Dear John assignment”.

Ann: I could see how a bunch of teenaged girls could really get into that.

Pam: Well we got into it more than she expected. At least half the class actually delivered their letters to their real boyfriends! Let me tell you…there was a run on the Kleenex in the classrooms that week.

Ann: Did you give yours to your boyfriend?

Pam: Yeah. I hate to admit it but I did. After really thinking about it and writing it just as an assignment, it suddenly seemed like the right thing to do.

Ann: So how’d he take it?

Pam: It probably would have gone better if I'd given him a clean copy and not the one that had been graded, comments and all, by Sister Pauline! The only thing worse than being dumped, is being dumped with a creative writing assignment that only earned a C+.

Where Were You When...

Ann: I can’t believe my boss is dating a man more than half her age! Talk about a boy toy.

Pam: She’s rich. She can afford him. But you’re one to talk, Mrs. Robinson!

Ann: What are you talking about? Joe’s older than I am.

Pam: I was referring to your dating past. Remember when you met that guy and hit it off. Then he asked you out? You said you could tell he was younger than you but you couldn’t decide quite how old he was. You had a date with him one night and you were asking me how you could find out his age without coming right out and asking him. Remember?

Ann: Vaguely…

Pam: I told you that sometimes people ask, ‘Where were you when Kennedy was shot?’ and that the answer gives you an idea of how old someone is. You know like, ‘I was in second grade’ tells you they were born around 1956 and ‘I was in my dorm room’ tells you they were born somewhere around 1942 or so. But you said you didn’t think he was even born when Kennedy was shot. So I said…


Ann: Oh yeah! You said to ask him, ‘Where were you when Reagan was shot?’ instead. Now I remember.

Pam: Yeah, we were reminiscing where we were when we heard that Reagan was shot and I told you I was in high school English class. I remember the nuns had us all say a prayer for the president, for the skill of the doctors treating him, and for our country.

Ann: And I was in grad school. It was a good suggestion. Then you started kidding me that he’d probably say he was in middle school!

Pam: As long as I live I’ll never forget when I answered the phone the next day and heard no greeting at all, just the distinct sound of tears of laughter. I heard just five words choked out…“He was in freaking Kindergarten!”

Ann: You have to remember everything, don’t you?

Pam: Hey, it’s how I know we’ll always be friends. I’ve got too much on you. I remember it took me a few seconds to gather my thoughts, figure out it was you on the phone, and realize what you were saying. It meant you were at least twenty years older than him! I ‘bout died laughing.

Ann: Hey, at least I didn’t go out with him again.

Pam: You would’ve. But unlike your boss, you just couldn’t afford him!

A Foolish Mom And Her Money

Ann: My house looks like it’s in a horror movie. There are literally thousands of furry caterpillars covering the entire outside.

Pam: Is that from the webworms we saw a couple weeks ago that were all over that huge tree out front?

Ann: Yeah, it’s pretty creepy. I wish I could at least charge them rent.

Pam: Better yet, gather them up and sell ‘em.

Ann: Who on earth would pay for caterpillars?

Pam: Oh how soon you forget. Remember when Ross was about seven? I made the mistake of agreeing to step into the pet store to look at the puppies. But Ross became fascinated with the anoles.

Ann: What the heck’s an anole?

Pam: That’s a fancy pet store term for a common garden lizard. They seem to think that using an exotic name will convince a gullible, indulgent mother to make the purchase.

Ann: Well, apparently it worked because I remember when you had those particular pets.

Pam: It started out simply enough – a clear plastic cage and two lizards. Then they tried to sell me ceramic sticks for them to crawl on.

Ann: Heck, I had plenty of real ones I’d have sold you.

Pam: I said I had an endless supply of sticks in my yard. Believe it or not, they said outdoor sticks weren’t sterile and the anoles would get sick. Ross looked up at me in a panic.

Ann: What, did Ross think the lizards in the yard were taking high-powered antibiotics? So did you buy the fake sticks?

Pam: No, but I must confess, to ease his mind, we boiled EVERY stick before it went into the cage.

Ann: So how does this help me with my caterpillars?

Pam: I’m getting there. We bought freeze-dried lizard food but the stupid lizards wouldn’t eat it and after a couple of days their little tummies were starting to cave in. So it was back to the pet shop for advice.

They told me the lizards might prefer live food and sold me a margarine tub full of mealworms. I had to keep them in the fridge so they would stay dormant until I put them in the cage. Then they’d warm up, wiggle and draw the lizards’ attention.


Ann: So did that make the lizards fat and happy?

Pam: Only one, the other one must have been a gourmet and mealworms must not have qualified. So it was back to the pet store yet again.

This time, they told me that he probably wanted to ‘hunt’ his own food and they sold me a clear plastic bag with three live crickets.

Ann: Yuck!

Pam: Yeah, it was nasty but it worked. Both lizards loved ‘em. Unfortunately it wasn’t ‘cricket season’ so I couldn’t gather them myself. I had to stop by the pet store every couple of days for fresh crickets. Well, that got old fast, so believe it or not, I bought a second cage to fill with crickets.


Ann: So what’s the life expectancy of a cricket in captivity?

Pam: I assume you mean prior to being put in the lizard cage. That leads to the next absurdity. To keep the crickets alive while they awaited their fate, I had to buy cricket food.

Ann: Let me get this straight, you bought food for the food?

Pam: I told you it was absurd. This is what mothers do.

Ann: You forget, I’m a mom too, and I can honestly say I never had dormant mealworms sleeping in my fridge or bought food to feed the food for our pets.

Pam: Well, I said I’m a gullible, indulgent mother.

Ann: In that case, back to my caterpillars. Have I got a deal for you!

English As A Second Language

Ann: Isn’t it funny how some verbs just go with certain phrases? Like why do we say he ‘sports’ a mustache?

Pam: I’m not sure. I always thought the phrase ‘ekes out’ a living was sort of weird. Do we eke out anything else?

Ann: I don’t know. Good question. Then there are those phrases that are so obvious we don’t even have to finish them…Like ‘she’s expecting’ or ‘they’re engaged’. We don’t even bother with the ‘a baby’ or ‘to be married’ anymore.

Pam: Well you’re the master of strange uses of verbs. Remember that time you were deep into your software training? You were eating, sleeping, and breathing computer technology day and night. When I called and asked you what you were doing you said you were ‘installing’ your hair color. I about fell out of my chair laughing.

Ann: You’ve been known to twist a verb yourself. When you were talking about that friend of yours who was taking flying lessons you weren’t very impressed with his skills. You said that every Sunday he would “commit” aviation.

Pam: Oh yeah. I remember saying that. You know the joke about a doctor who is ‘practicing’ medicine. They say, “I don’t want someone who is still practicing. I want someone who has mastered the art”.

Ann: I always wondered why we use different verbs when it seems like the same one would be used. Like with sports we say we ‘play’ baseball, we ‘do’ gymnastics, and we ‘go’ windsurfing. They’re all sports. Why don’t we use the same verb to describe participating in them?

Pam: Okay, let’s mix it up. From now on I’ll ‘play’ jogging, ‘go’ tennis, and ‘do’ hockey.

Ann: You’ll sound like an English as a Second Language drop out!

Pam: Actually I feel really sorry for those ESL students. I’m glad English is my first language because I don’t think I could have learned it any other way.

Ann: When I was in college, a good friend of mine spent a year in Spain. I was so envious. Not only did she come back speaking fluent Spanish, she brought a handsome Spaniard back with her. He was struggling with his ESL class and asked for my help. He couldn’t grasp the difference between ‘lie’ and ‘lay’. The question was “The cat was ‘lying/laying’ beneath the tree.”

Pam: I hear native speakers misuse that one.

Ann: Yeah, but the funny part was when I told him the right answer was ‘lying’, he shook his head and said, “But, cats can’t talk!”

Then there are the prepositions. When we travel we can be "on an airplane", "in an airplane", or simply go "by airplane". I think if I was trying to learn it I’d go nuts.

Pam: I think the toughest part of learning English would be all our idioms. When I was in high school we had an exchange student on our softball team. She heard someone say our pitcher had “lost her touch” and she thought she had a neurological disease which made her go numb.

Ann: Yeah, when I was taking Japanese our instructor told us about an embarrassing moment she had. She had learned English in school in Japan as all students do and then came here for college. She was chosen to represent her dorm in a beauty contest. When it came time for the evening gown competition, she realized she made a mistake in translation. All she brought to wear was a night gown!

One Night Wonder

Ann: I overheard part of a conversation that, as it turns out, I totally misunderstood. I heard my sister tell her husband that their neighbor was “expecting it in August”. I thought she was pregnant but it turns out she just ordered new patio furniture. Thank goodness I didn’t say anything to the neighbor before my sister straightened me out.

Pam: Yeah, you have to be careful about that. But everyone makes that mistake once in a while. It actually happened to me in high school.

Ann: Someone thought you were pregnant!?

Pam: No. But it was along those lines. My best friend Kelly and I snuck our lunches out of the cafeteria to the auditorium. We sat on the stage behind the closed curtain on a couch that was part of the set of a play we were in. We wanted to be alone to discuss her big date the night before. What we didn’t know is that Sister Leticia was cleaning up nearby and overheard our conversation:

Pam: So tell me everything! How was it?

Kelly: I was kind of nervous but it went great. I’ve decided to call it my ‘one night wonder’.

Pam: So no one noticed you weren’t in your bed all night? Your folks are pretty strict. That was really risky.

Kelly: It was worth it. After all, we may just be freshmen but it was John’s junior prom. I had to make it special and memorable for him.

Pam: So how did it feel?

Kelly: It was uncomfortable at first. But, just like the book said, with patience and a few adjustments it got better.

Pam: So what did John think?

Kelly: What do you think he thought? He loved it! He was very pleased. I think it’s time for you to try a ‘one night wonder’.

Pam: I don’t think so. I’m not nearly as experienced as you are. I don’t think things would go as well.

Kelly: Oh come on. If I can do it you can do it. I’ll teach you everything you need to know and Randy will be very glad you did.


That’s exactly when Sister Leticia stepped through the curtain and onto the stage. She looked stunned. She told us we should not be in the auditorium during lunch, to not say another word, and to follow her to see Sister Stephen Anne, the disciplinarian.

Ann: So she heard what you two were saying!?

Pam: We were sure she did. So we followed her to Sister Stephen Anne’s office and sat on the bench outside while Sister Leticia spoke to her about our transgression and, more importantly, about what she’d overheard.

Ann: Not exactly the conversation you want to have with a nun!

Pam: So Sister Stephen Anne calls us in and we stand there in front of her desk while she talks to Kelly first. She tells her, “We will discuss you girls being out of bounds later. First I want to address the bigger issue. I am very sad to hear that you have given in to temptation with your boyfriend, a mistake I believe you will seriously regret. But to encourage your friend to follow you into your sinful ways is unforgivable.”

Ann: Wow…pretty harsh. Did she call your parents?

Pam: Kelly and I were baffled. It took a minute for us to figure out what she was saying. Then Kelly and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Ann: Laughing?

Pam: Yeah. We explained to Sister Stephen Anne that Kelly’s ‘one night wonder’ was a dress she stayed up all night cutting, sewing, and fitting to wear to her boyfriend’s junior prom.

Ann: And when you asked how it felt and how he liked it…I get it!

Pam: I was laughing pretty hard but still managed to suggest to Sister Stephen Anne that maybe she should be talking to Sister Leticia instead of us. I said, “I’d think you’d be curious about why on earth she assumed we were talking about sex!”