Hit The Road Jack

Pam: Archie had another ugly break up last night. In case you were wondering, dining in a high-end restaurant does not prevent a woman from making a scene. He came into the office all sullen because his now-ex has taken a hostage--the claim ticket for his good watch.

Ann: How did she get that?

Pam: She had it ‘cause she has a jeweler friend and took Archie’s prized family heirloom watch in to have the crystal replaced. Now she says he’ll never see it again.

Ann: That’s awful.

Pam: Well I only feel half sorry for him. He spent the entire past month acting like a real jerk trying to get her to break up with him. He even told her she’d gained weight and constantly said she was just like her mother. But in the end, he had to just bite the bullet and do it himself.

Ann: In that case, I say she deserves the watch. You know Archie’s got a twisted sense of humor that gets him in trouble. When he was dating my friend Sarah he told her there were three little words he never wants to hear during sex. She asked, “You don’t ever want to hear, ‘I love you’?” And he told her the three little words he never wants to hear during sex are, “Honey, I’m home!”

Pam: He gets what he deserves. Kate’s friend just broke up with her boyfriend for a bizarre reason. She actually told him she had to break up with him because their relationship was pulling her away from God.

Ann: Well that’s a new one! I always wondered if it was better to be dumped because there was someone else or not. If someone dumps you for someone else they’re saying, “I like them better than you.” But if there’s no one else, they’re saying, “I’d rather be alone than be with you.”

Pam: Hey, at least this guy got dumped for God. He’s tough to compete with! I was talking to someone at my high school reunion who was broken up with by her fiancé’s doorman. She showed up for a date and he informed her that her “gentleman friend would not be coming down….ever.”

Ann: I can top that one. I have a friend, Harold, who was actually told his marriage was over in an email.


Pam: She emailed him that she wanted a divorce?!

Ann: No. She didn’t…her therapist did!

Pam: Wow. That’s cold. At least it wasn't a text message. When I was in high school I took a creative writing course. Sister Pauline gave us an assignment to write a painful but heartfelt letter to a fictitious boyfriend breaking up with him for whatever reason we wanted to invent. She called it the “Dear John assignment”.

Ann: I could see how a bunch of teenaged girls could really get into that.

Pam: Well we got into it more than she expected. At least half the class actually delivered their letters to their real boyfriends! Let me tell you…there was a run on the Kleenex in the classrooms that week.

Ann: Did you give yours to your boyfriend?

Pam: Yeah. I hate to admit it but I did. After really thinking about it and writing it just as an assignment, it suddenly seemed like the right thing to do.

Ann: So how’d he take it?

Pam: It probably would have gone better if I'd given him a clean copy and not the one that had been graded, comments and all, by Sister Pauline! The only thing worse than being dumped, is being dumped with a creative writing assignment that only earned a C+.