One Night Wonder

Ann: I overheard part of a conversation that, as it turns out, I totally misunderstood. I heard my sister tell her husband that their neighbor was “expecting it in August”. I thought she was pregnant but it turns out she just ordered new patio furniture. Thank goodness I didn’t say anything to the neighbor before my sister straightened me out.

Pam: Yeah, you have to be careful about that. But everyone makes that mistake once in a while. It actually happened to me in high school.

Ann: Someone thought you were pregnant!?

Pam: No. But it was along those lines. My best friend Kelly and I snuck our lunches out of the cafeteria to the auditorium. We sat on the stage behind the closed curtain on a couch that was part of the set of a play we were in. We wanted to be alone to discuss her big date the night before. What we didn’t know is that Sister Leticia was cleaning up nearby and overheard our conversation:

Pam: So tell me everything! How was it?

Kelly: I was kind of nervous but it went great. I’ve decided to call it my ‘one night wonder’.

Pam: So no one noticed you weren’t in your bed all night? Your folks are pretty strict. That was really risky.

Kelly: It was worth it. After all, we may just be freshmen but it was John’s junior prom. I had to make it special and memorable for him.

Pam: So how did it feel?

Kelly: It was uncomfortable at first. But, just like the book said, with patience and a few adjustments it got better.

Pam: So what did John think?

Kelly: What do you think he thought? He loved it! He was very pleased. I think it’s time for you to try a ‘one night wonder’.

Pam: I don’t think so. I’m not nearly as experienced as you are. I don’t think things would go as well.

Kelly: Oh come on. If I can do it you can do it. I’ll teach you everything you need to know and Randy will be very glad you did.


That’s exactly when Sister Leticia stepped through the curtain and onto the stage. She looked stunned. She told us we should not be in the auditorium during lunch, to not say another word, and to follow her to see Sister Stephen Anne, the disciplinarian.

Ann: So she heard what you two were saying!?

Pam: We were sure she did. So we followed her to Sister Stephen Anne’s office and sat on the bench outside while Sister Leticia spoke to her about our transgression and, more importantly, about what she’d overheard.

Ann: Not exactly the conversation you want to have with a nun!

Pam: So Sister Stephen Anne calls us in and we stand there in front of her desk while she talks to Kelly first. She tells her, “We will discuss you girls being out of bounds later. First I want to address the bigger issue. I am very sad to hear that you have given in to temptation with your boyfriend, a mistake I believe you will seriously regret. But to encourage your friend to follow you into your sinful ways is unforgivable.”

Ann: Wow…pretty harsh. Did she call your parents?

Pam: Kelly and I were baffled. It took a minute for us to figure out what she was saying. Then Kelly and I looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Ann: Laughing?

Pam: Yeah. We explained to Sister Stephen Anne that Kelly’s ‘one night wonder’ was a dress she stayed up all night cutting, sewing, and fitting to wear to her boyfriend’s junior prom.

Ann: And when you asked how it felt and how he liked it…I get it!

Pam: I was laughing pretty hard but still managed to suggest to Sister Stephen Anne that maybe she should be talking to Sister Leticia instead of us. I said, “I’d think you’d be curious about why on earth she assumed we were talking about sex!”

Friends In High Places

Pam: Henry and his ‘chick du jour’ came over last night. I’ve got to hand it to him…he’s consistent.

Ann: He certainly has a type. When he asks a woman the capitol of Texas and she answers “T”, he knows he found his next temporary keeper. So this one qualifies, huh?

Pam: Let me put it this way…I doubt she’s ever uttered the word ‘checkmate’.

Ann: What'd y’all do?

Pam: They came by to play some cards. We were sitting in the family room and she says, “Oh, I see you know the pope!”

Ann: What on earth gave her that idea?

Pam: Speaking slowly and using very simple words, that’s what I asked her. She said, “Well he’s standing there with your kids in that picture.”

Ann: You don’t have a photo of Ross and Kate with the pope.

Pam: Yeah, she was talking about their confirmation picture. I explained that wasn’t the pope but the bishop. And she said, “But he’s got the pointy hat on!”

Ann: She thought only the pope wears a mitre?

Pam: I don’t think she ‘thinks’ at all. But she’s got everything Henry looks for in a woman. She was telling us that when she was on the swim team in high school she would have won the breast stroke championship but the other girls kept cheating by using their arms.

Ann: She did not! You’re awful! I swear, someday that man is going to have a coronary dating all these young things. He’s not a kid anymore.

Pam: Then he’s in trouble because he’ll die while this chick-a-dee tries to dial 911. She’ll never find the eleven!

Ann: Certainly she’s heard it called 9-1-1 and can pick out those numbers.


Pam: Don’t be so sure. Last night we were trying to teach her to play Blackjack. She got really mad because she couldn’t figure out if an ace was a one or an eleven. The idea that it could be either was too much for her pretty little head.

Ann: She can’t be as bad as that last one. I’ll never forget that girl at the Christmas party! She said she’d love to learn to water ski but that none of our lakes in Texas have slopes. I about choked on my appetizer.

Pam: Bret cracked a good one when Henry and his date left. He said if that girl ever cooked a turkey she’d bake it for five days. I said, “Okay, I’ll bite. Why?” And he said, “Because the instructions say cook one hour per pound and she weighs 125 pounds.”

Ann: You never know. She might be a terrific cook.

Pam: Yeah, especially since she’s buddies with Chef BoyArDee. I saw his picture in her pantry.



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Guilty As Charged

Pam: Sometimes I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I see other people wringing their hands over stuff that just doesn’t bother me.

Ann: Yeah, I know I’d feel better if you felt worse. What’d ya do now?

Pam: I told a white lie about why I missed my coworker’s wedding. The truth is I just couldn’t stand to watch him exchange “lifetime vows” for the fourth time.

Ann: Consider yourself lucky. I would have gone to the wedding and spent the entire ceremony feeling guilty about my silent predictions for their future…or lack thereof.

Pam: Heck, I don’t feel guilty about things I actually do and you feel guilty about things you merely think.

Ann: Obviously we went to different Catholic schools.

Pam: I think it’s not different schools, it’s different mothers. My mother taught all of us kids not to let people manipulate us with guilt. My sister called it a guilt-ectomy. Boy was my mother frustrated when we became adults and she realized she’d disarmed a mother’s most powerful weapon.


Ann: Well my mother always had a full arsenal and to this day I still feel as if I have a target painted on my back. I think I feel that way because my mother used to punish us for things she thought we might do while she wasn’t looking.

Pam: That goes to show you how different we are. When I got punished for something I didn’t do, I considered it a “Get Out of Jail Free” card. If I got away with something later, I figured we were square.

Ann: So that guilt-ectomy…do ya think it’s covered by my health insurance?

Grammar Police

Ann: Does it make me a total language snob if I cringe when I hear people abuse the English language?

Pam: You’re only a snob if you correct them.

Ann: Oh, I learned a long time ago not to do that! I corrected a guy on a date and it was our last.

Pam: What did he say?

Ann: He kept saying “irregardless” until I just couldn’t take it another minute and I told him, “Irregardless is not a word.”

Pam: I suspect that solved the problem. He probably didn’t say another word all night.

Ann: “Irregardless”, it was the end of the relationship.

Pam: My pet peeve is adding “at” to the end of a perfectly complete question, such as, “Where are you AT?” and “What time is it AT?”

Ann: You hear that everywhere. I constantly had to deprogram my children from that bad habit. What about “Nuclear and nucular”.

Pam: If World War III breaks out, they should make that the password to get into the bomb shelters! Only those who pronounce it correctly are admitted. It would eliminate that particular annoyance.

Ann: Wow, harsh! Who’s being the snob now?

Pam: At least I have the good sense not to chase off a date, even if he did say, “That’s not what I meant to infer.”

Ann: I’ll imply from that remark that you're as big a language snob as I am!

Pam: Enough of this. Are we going for coffee or not?

Ann: Sure. Where should we meet AT?

(Private message to Sister Pauline at Saint Agnes Academy: Look what you’ve done to us!)