Keeping Up Appearances

Ann: I’m going nuts. I’ve got to get my house ready for all my out of town guests coming for Hannah’s birthday and graduation.

Pam: I don’t know about you but I do all kinds of crazy stuff when I’m expecting company.

Ann: You mean clean like a fiend?

Pam: Well that, yes. But I’m talking about silly stuff I do. Like I hide my daughter’s tabloid magazines and clear the nasty-grams I’ve left the kids off of the front of the fridge. I don’t want anyone to see that I left a note for the kids saying, “For God’s sake, close your bedroom window or I’m going to charge you for the electric bill!”

Ann: I do stuff like that too. I look over the books I have lying around to be sure there’s nothing that might be too revealing. When I had people coming over last week I tucked away No More Hot Flashes and replaced it with Time Travel in Einstein's Universe.

Pam: I always start in the downstairs powder room. If the toilet paper roll is below half way through, I’ll put a new one on even if only one person is coming over.

Ann: That’s kind of weird…even for you. Why do you do that?


Pam: I don’t know. I guess it has something to do with wanting to look prosperous. I guess that’s the reason I also fill up the dog’s water and food to the top. I hate to admit it but I do other strange stuff getting ready for company. But first you have to tell me something else you do so I won’t feel so weird.

Ann: Well my shame is mainly in the kitchen. First, I hide the teetering pile of mail I haven’t sorted through yet. I usually stick it in a paper bag and put it in the closet in the office. Then I hit the pantry and the fridge. My mother is a fabulous Italian cook and so to this day, no matter who’s coming over, I’m compelled to hide jars of spaghetti sauce, packaged pasta, canned mushrooms, shredded cheese, and canned pie filling. That stuff is supposed to be made from scratch.


Pam: I don’t hide convenience foods. Everyone knows I don’t do a lot of cooking. But I do hide junk food. I check the fridge and pantry and hide the Spaghetti O’s behind the green beans and Fruit Loops behind the Bran Flakes.

Ann: Okay, I can top that. Once I offered my house for a huge party for an organization I belong to. There would be a lot of people I didn’t know well. But I ran out of time getting ready and my garage was still a huge embarrassing disaster. So I put a big sign on the door from the family room leading into the garage that said, ‘Do not open—large, MEAN dog!’

Pam: But you don’t even have a dog.

Ann: Well the people who knew me well enough to know I didn’t have a dog knew why the sign was there and the people who didn’t know I didn’t have a dog wouldn’t see the mess.

Pam: Cute trick. I wish I’d thought of it and I do have a dog. Usually after I get the powder room and the kitchen done, I check my bedroom and bathroom. But in there I usually have to go the opposite way. I’ve actually moved things off my nightstand because I thought it would look like I intentionally left it out to be seen!

Ann: Like what?

Pam: Oh, like my prayer book or Bible. I once put away a CD on my nightstand called The Healing Harp because I thought people might think I was all metaphysical and stuff.

Ann: I used to hide my hair color but I don’t care anymore.

Pam: Yeah, I used to be embarrassed by my teenager’s choice of DVD’s in the game room. Their collection seemed to lack any shred of intellectual curiosity at all. I just wish there was a Cosmos or The Elegant Universe among the Dumb & Dumber and Austin Powers.

Ann: The crazy thing is that you know every woman does the same things. No one wants to be caught living the way they actually live. So everyone scrambles for the image.

Pam: We should all just agree not to worry about keeping up appearances.

Ann: What a relief that’d be. We could quit scrambling every time we’re expecting company.

Pam: I agree. You go first.