Sainted In Passing

Ann: I ended up going to Dan’s funeral yesterday after all.

Pam: How was it?

Ann: Sort of bizarre. The minister went on and on about what a devout man Dan was and how he would have wanted us all to turn our lives over to the Lord.

Pam: Wasn’t Dan the guy who used to tell women he was Garth Brooks’ brother and then brag about his conquests to the guys at work the next day.

Ann: Yep, that’s him. I kept thinking I was at the wrong service. But I looked around and knew everyone there so I knew I was in the right place.

Pam: From what I knew of Dan, it’d be my guess that yesterday was his first time in church.

Ann: I know! But the minister was saying how there was all this evidence of Dan’s strong faith among his belongings…his truck radio tuned to a spiritual station, the Bible by his bedside, the magnetic cross on his refrigerator.


Pam: Well his neighbors probably heard cries out to the Lord coming from his apartment pretty frequently. But I don’t think those were exactly revivals going on in there. Why does everyone want to turn someone who’s died into a saint of some kind?

Ann: The majority of the service wasn’t even about ‘Saint Dan’. It was mostly a fire and brimstone sermon trying to convert the ‘lost’ who attended the funeral. And since, unlike the minister, I knew Dan, my guess is that most of those in attendance would fall into that category.

Pam: I know the spiel…“Dan’s passing is evidence of just how fleeting life can be. Don’t wait until it’s too late for you. Repent now!”

Ann: Wow, were you there? That’s exactly what he said.

Pam: It’s always the same at that kind of funeral. As you leave you realize very little, if anything, was said about the person who died. For me, a funeral where the person is allowed to be remembered as a human being, warts and all, is the most healing.

Ann: Me too. I went to one last year for one of my kids' favorite teachers from elementary school. The funeral was attended by a whole bunch of her past students. The husband got up and read a list of “A hundred things you never knew about Mrs. J”. It was so sweet.

Pam: What kinds of things were on the list?

Ann: Oh, like that she always sat in the last row at the movies and put her feet up on the chair in front of her. And that she always got speeding tickets for going too fast through school zones. My favorite was that, as a tribute to her profession, she had a tattoo of an apple on her derriere.

Pam: I bet that made her much more real to her former students…more of a person.

Ann: I think so. Do you ever wonder what they’ll say about you at your own funeral?

Pam: You kidding? Remember, I’m a control freak. I’ve already written exactly what you’re supposed to say. Be sure to stay on script. No ad libs allowed.

Ann: Hey, I’m older so I’ll probably go before you. The question is, what will you say at my funeral?

Pam: I don’t know. I was taught that if you can’t say something nice….

Ann: Gee thanks!