Thoughtful Cruelty

Pam: I’m having a moral dilemma regarding my mother-in-law. I can’t decide if I’m being kind or being cruel.

Ann: Only you would be struggling between two such extremes. Most people know pretty instinctively if they’re doing the right thing or not.

Pam: Not everything’s so cut and dried. I actually ran this one past my book group last night and they had strong opinions on both sides.

Ann: Okay. I’m sure you’d guess which side I’d come down on in any debate. But give it to me anyway.

Pam: No, I really can’t begin to guess what you’d say on this one. Here’s the deal. You know my mother-in-law is elderly, totally blind, and speaks no English at all. Needless to say, it fairly limits what we can do together.

Ann: I remember meeting her at Ross’ graduation party. We couldn’t really talk or communicate but she seemed very sweet.

Pam: She is! I love her to death but sometimes I don’t know what to do with her when she visits. She’s real sensitive about not wanting to be a burden. She hates the thought of adding to anyone’s workload. In fact, she really wants to help.

Ann: So let her help.

Pam: I do. Usually on the first day or so she cooks up a storm. But needless to say it requires constant assistance with finding things in the unfamiliar kitchen, and reading and translating the labels on cans and packages to her. Someone has to be at her side continuously and that’s tough to do.

Ann: Yeah, it’d be hard to justify staying home from work all day just to help your mother-in-law cook dinner. Couldn’t the kids pitch in?

Pam: They do and they’re great when they’re around. But they have busy lives too. I really shouldn’t complain. She just wants to relieve me of work. But in reality she just causes more.

Ann: I hate to put it this way, but it’s kind of like having a two year old following you around the house wanting to “help” you clean.

Pam: That’s it exactly! I appreciate her intentions but I can do everything a lot faster just doing it myself. But I did find something she can help with that doesn’t require much of me. That’s where my dilemma comes in.

Ann: Tell me you didn't send her up a ladder cleaning the second story exterior windows?

Pam: Very funny! No, she’s actually pretty good at folding laundry. She sits on the couch and can carefully feel her way. First she figures out if it’s a shirt or shorts or whatever. Then she feels for seams to turn it right side out. And then feels how big it is to tell whose pile it goes into. She’s remarkable really.

Ann: Great. So you found something she can do to help without requiring a lot of your time. How’s that a dilemma?

Pam: Well, we only have so much laundry. Bret and I dry clean most of our stuff and the kids wash their own work uniforms. So I gave her a load of towels that had just finished up in the dryer and she was so happy to help.

Ann: So far so good…

Pam: So thirty minutes later when she very excitedly asked for the next load, I did what I’m not sure is kind or cruel….I took the clean towels she had just finished folding, tumbled them in the dryer until they were warm, and then gave them back to her to fold again.

Ann: Are you serious? Couldn’t she tell?

Pam: Could you tell one towel from another folding them blindfolded?

Ann: I guess not…but you’re right. I can see where that’s sort of a mean thing to do, but if it made her happy to help, maybe not.

Pam: See what I mean?

Ann: She must have thought you guys use an awful lot of towels.

Pam: She mentioned that and I told her it was the kids and their friends going swimming everyday. So, truth, am I a terrible person?

Ann: Based on this? Probably not… Now based on other stuff, that’s a different question!

Readers - We'd love to know what you think about this. Please send us your comments. -Pam and Ann

Disturbing The Peace

Pam: There are volumes written about how to cope with the empty nest. Why doesn’t anyone write a book about the suddenly un-empty nest?

Ann: Having both kids home from college is a real adjustment isn’t it?

Pam: I finally began to discover and appreciate the little perks of having my beloved children hundreds and hundreds of miles away. Mainly that the house stays just as I left it. Then they’re suddenly back and I feel robbed…literally.

Ann: Robbed of what?

Pam: Headbands, razors, restaurant leftovers, short slips, umbrellas, toothpaste, cell phone chargers, you name it! I miss the kids desperately all year long but I sure did love having things remain right where I left them.

Ann: You’re right. It gets worse after they’ve been away at school. I guess it’s the culture in a dorm or in a shared apartment. It’s pretty much what’s mine is yours and visa versa. They get used to just taking what they like.

Pam: That’s true. I remember when Ross left for school. Kate was still in high school and she was just at the age where she started to ‘borrow’ a lot of my stuff without permission. Bret wasn’t very understanding about how frustrating it was for me.

Ann: He thought it was no big deal, huh?

Pam: Yep. Then when Ross came home after his first semester away, suddenly Bret’s black socks, golf balls, white undershirts, and shaving cream started to disappear. Suddenly he was ready to lay down the law.

Ann: Yeah, I remember when Troy used to come home in the summers. It would take Hannah and me weeks to readjust to having him back in the house. He’s our neat-nick. He’d constantly be cleaning up and it really annoyed us.

Pam: You’re complaining because he tidied up too much?


Ann: I’m not talking about doing a load of dishes or taking out the trash. I swear he was compulsive. I’d get up to answer the phone and when I came back the, book I was reading and the tea I was drinking would be gone…swept away in a cleaning frenzy. It really was irritating.

Pam: Yeah Ross is my cleaner and Kate is my messy one. She leaves what we refer to as ‘Kate droppings’ everywhere. If Troy is your neat one does that mean Hannah’s messy?

Ann: You have no idea! We have a new phenomenon around here with Hannah. I call it the ‘abduction scene’. I’ll come home and there in the family room is a big dent in the middle of the couch surrounded by a whirlwind of random items. It’s as if she was there one moment and in the next she was suddenly plucked up by aliens.

Pam: Oh I know it well. At first I found it pretty frustrating. I’d think, ‘Why the heck can’t this girl pick up after herself?’ But then I learned the value of the clues an abduction scene leaves behind.

Ann: What do you mean?

Pam: Okay…For instance, what was left at Hannah’s last abduction scene?

Ann: Let me think…A half eaten Taco Bell Nacho Bell Grande meal and an empty soft drink cup, the TV remote control, a cordless phone, a bunch of makeup, nail polish, the newspaper’s weekend guide spread out all over, both of her brown purses, and her keys.

Pam: Well that’s easy. It’s as good as a handwritten note…

Dear Mom,
I won’t be home for dinner. There was nothing on TV so I made a few calls and got a hot date. We’re going to the movies. By the way, I borrowed your brown purse.

Love, Hannah

P.S. You’ll know I’m home when I wake you with doorbell.

Ann: Wow! That’s amazing.

Pam: (Sigh) Years of practice.

Keeping Up Appearances

Ann: I’m going nuts. I’ve got to get my house ready for all my out of town guests coming for Hannah’s birthday and graduation.

Pam: I don’t know about you but I do all kinds of crazy stuff when I’m expecting company.

Ann: You mean clean like a fiend?

Pam: Well that, yes. But I’m talking about silly stuff I do. Like I hide my daughter’s tabloid magazines and clear the nasty-grams I’ve left the kids off of the front of the fridge. I don’t want anyone to see that I left a note for the kids saying, “For God’s sake, close your bedroom window or I’m going to charge you for the electric bill!”

Ann: I do stuff like that too. I look over the books I have lying around to be sure there’s nothing that might be too revealing. When I had people coming over last week I tucked away No More Hot Flashes and replaced it with Time Travel in Einstein's Universe.

Pam: I always start in the downstairs powder room. If the toilet paper roll is below half way through, I’ll put a new one on even if only one person is coming over.

Ann: That’s kind of weird…even for you. Why do you do that?


Pam: I don’t know. I guess it has something to do with wanting to look prosperous. I guess that’s the reason I also fill up the dog’s water and food to the top. I hate to admit it but I do other strange stuff getting ready for company. But first you have to tell me something else you do so I won’t feel so weird.

Ann: Well my shame is mainly in the kitchen. First, I hide the teetering pile of mail I haven’t sorted through yet. I usually stick it in a paper bag and put it in the closet in the office. Then I hit the pantry and the fridge. My mother is a fabulous Italian cook and so to this day, no matter who’s coming over, I’m compelled to hide jars of spaghetti sauce, packaged pasta, canned mushrooms, shredded cheese, and canned pie filling. That stuff is supposed to be made from scratch.


Pam: I don’t hide convenience foods. Everyone knows I don’t do a lot of cooking. But I do hide junk food. I check the fridge and pantry and hide the Spaghetti O’s behind the green beans and Fruit Loops behind the Bran Flakes.

Ann: Okay, I can top that. Once I offered my house for a huge party for an organization I belong to. There would be a lot of people I didn’t know well. But I ran out of time getting ready and my garage was still a huge embarrassing disaster. So I put a big sign on the door from the family room leading into the garage that said, ‘Do not open—large, MEAN dog!’

Pam: But you don’t even have a dog.

Ann: Well the people who knew me well enough to know I didn’t have a dog knew why the sign was there and the people who didn’t know I didn’t have a dog wouldn’t see the mess.

Pam: Cute trick. I wish I’d thought of it and I do have a dog. Usually after I get the powder room and the kitchen done, I check my bedroom and bathroom. But in there I usually have to go the opposite way. I’ve actually moved things off my nightstand because I thought it would look like I intentionally left it out to be seen!

Ann: Like what?

Pam: Oh, like my prayer book or Bible. I once put away a CD on my nightstand called The Healing Harp because I thought people might think I was all metaphysical and stuff.

Ann: I used to hide my hair color but I don’t care anymore.

Pam: Yeah, I used to be embarrassed by my teenager’s choice of DVD’s in the game room. Their collection seemed to lack any shred of intellectual curiosity at all. I just wish there was a Cosmos or The Elegant Universe among the Dumb & Dumber and Austin Powers.

Ann: The crazy thing is that you know every woman does the same things. No one wants to be caught living the way they actually live. So everyone scrambles for the image.

Pam: We should all just agree not to worry about keeping up appearances.

Ann: What a relief that’d be. We could quit scrambling every time we’re expecting company.

Pam: I agree. You go first.

Too Much Stuff!

Ann: My house is overflowing. I’ve got to get rid of a bunch of my stuff…but I’m so sentimental I just can’t part with most of it.

Pam: What kind of stuff?

Ann: Toys my kids played with, clothes they wore, anything they made, or looked at for that matter. I know they’re grown now but….it’s so hard.

Pam: Just focus on the good part of clearing out stuff…the tidy spaces, the ease of finding things you decide to keep, and the enjoyment your stuff will give to someone who really needs it.

Ann: That’s the problem…what if it’s ME that needs it someday. As I look over each thing I plan to get rid of, I keep thinking I might need it someday and if I get rid of it then I won’t have it. But I have so much stuff, that even if I do need something I absolutely know I have, I can’t find it anyway. You wouldn’t understand. You’re so organized…

Pam: (Laughing) It’s all smoke and mirrors! You know very well if you open any drawer, cabinet, or closet in my house the terrible truth is told. I’m a mess. I can prove it. About a
month ago I bought one of those books about how to bring structure and organization to your life called, Clutter's Last Stand. I got it home and put it on my nightstand, but could never quite find the time…and by time I mean motivation…to read it. So yesterday to eliminate the constant visual reminder of my shortcomings, I decided at the very least I could put it on the bookshelf. That’s getting organized right? So I take it to the other room and go to place it on the shelf and I discover I already own a copy of the same book! How sad is that? I’m so disorganized I accidentally bought two copies of the same book on how to get organized.

Ann: Books don’t count. Remember Saint Brigit of Sweden? She and the nuns and brothers of her order, the Brigittines, lived very austere lives. They took a vow of poverty and didn’t own property at all with the exception of books. They could own as many books as they wanted. Eventually their monastery became the literary center of Scandinavia.

Pam: So you say the ten thousand paperbacks you have overflowing your office is justified by the fact that your home may someday become the literary center of Texas? That’s one of your better rationalizations.

Ann: I don’t know why I’m like this. My mother kept a meticulous house. A place for everything…and all that. Maybe it’s rebellion….who knows.

Pam: There may be something to that. I grew up in a pig sty. It was beyond disaster. I rarely brought friends home because I was embarrassed by the mess. Now I’m the opposite. Anyone could drop into my house at any time and, although it will look lived in, they would describe it as very tidy. I have to admit, I’m a bit compulsive about it.

Ann: Here we go blaming our mothers again! How will we feel when our daughters decide to hold us responsible for every one of their shortcomings?

Pam: Yeah, well, that’s another discussion. Let me tell you what helps me. When I’m trying to clear out clutter, I think of it as putting my house on a diet. You can even make a game of it, weighing the bags and boxes of stuff you carry out the door on the way to the garbage or the donation center. When I think of it that way as I clean out each closet or cabinet, I actually enjoy finding more stuff to get rid of…anything to add to the “weight” heading out the door.

Ann: Oh great! Another diet for me to fail….