God's Plan For All Women

Ann: I saw one of those bumper stickers today that say, “They’re not hot flashes—they’re power surges”. Then as I passed the car I just had to look inside to see who was driving. Guess what? It was a teenage boy!

Pam: And to think, my kids won’t drive my car ‘cause it’s a minivan. So what were you expecting to see when you looked into that car?

Ann: I don’t know. If I’d seen a sweaty, haggard old woman I’d be depressed because I’d think, “That’s how I must look!” And if I’d seen a fresh-as-a-daisy, cheerful looking woman I’d be depressed because I’d think, “Why can’t I breeze through it like that?”

Pam: So I guess finding it was a teenage boy was for the best, huh? God knows what he’s doing. Are you sure it was a boy? Maybe it was a menopausal woman with a beard.

Ann: You think this is funny but just you wait. You won’t be laughing when it’s your turn.

Pam: You’re probably right. Hot flashes don’t sound fun. But for the time being, I’m getting a kick out of watching others go through it. Did I tell you about my sister-in-law at my niece’s wedding last March?

Ann: I don’t think so. Do I want to hear this? I have a feeling I won’t find this story quite as amusing as you do. But go ahead…

Pam: It was a cold spring day in Chicago and we were all enjoying the reception. I was listening to the toasts when I realized something that felt profound. Everyone at the head table, the bride and groom, and all their attendants were a full generation younger than me! Then I looked around my assigned table. I was seated with the mother of the bride who is my sister-in-law, my husband who is the bride’s uncle, his mother who is the grandmother of the bride, the family priest, and the parents of the groom. I was seated with the old people!

Ann: Okay. I’m not seeing how this is a story about hot flashes…

Pam: I’m getting there. So I’m feeling a bit old when I see my sister-in-law fanning herself furiously with the wedding program and then she excused herself to get some air. When she’d been gone for a full fifteen minutes, the priest and I decided to go check on her.

Ann: Don’t tell me. She had spontaneously combusted and you found only a pile of ashes for him to perform the last rites on….

Pam: You’re close. So the priest and I find my sister-in-law in the lobby standing leaned up against a large plate glass window still fanning herself and perspiring profusely. She was apologetic and embarrassed and kept saying how awful and humiliating menopause can be.

Ann: I can relate. You say she didn’t burst into flames--so she must have burst into tears, right?

Pam: No. Actually the priest was really terrific telling her how natural it all was and how it was part of God’s plan for all women…season of life…blah, blah, blah.

Ann: So she bought that, huh?

Pam: Yeah she did. But it was all almost for nothing.

Ann: What happened?

Pam: She decided she’d better get back to her guests and she reluctantly stepped away from the cool window and back towards the ballroom. And there on the outside of the plate glass window was a perfect silhouette of her in condensation on the outside of the window.

Ann: You’re kidding me!

Pam: The priest and I both saw it and were grinning at each other as we watched the mist rising from the perfect likeness of my sister-in-law on the outside of the glass. Then she stopped suddenly and began to turn around to say something to us.

Ann: Oh no! Did she see it?

Pam: That’s the sweet part. You never saw a priest move so fast! He jumped in front of the window while simultaneously pulling me nearer to him so that our bodies blocked the scene. She said a little something and then proceeded into the ballroom, cooler and more content having chatted with us. The minute she was back in the ballroom I about bust a gut laughing. Even the priest was chuckling.

Ann: I was wrong. That was pretty funny... but only because it didn't happen to me for a change. Pardon the pun. As I said, just you wait!