Married To The Mob?

Pam: Today’s July 7, 2007…seven, seven, seven. It’s a lucky day. I heard that a bunch more people than usual are getting married today because they say it’s the luckiest day of the century.

Ann: Hey, some people wouldn’t consider getting married as lucky!

Pam: Yeah, it takes skill.

Ann: That’s not what I meant.

Pam: Cynic! Did I ever tell you that I’m legally married to a man I’ve never met?

Ann: You realize, don’t you, that a question like that would actually be considered unusual between most best friends?

Pam: I’m serious.

Ann: Okay, I know you’ve met Bret so you must be talking about someone else before him. Did you marry some guy on a dare? No wait! You helped some poor schmuck get his green card by marrying him so he could stay in the country then you divorced him. Right?

Pam: Wrong. I’m still married to the stranger. Take a look at this.

Ann: Okay…where’d you get this? It looks like a legal marriage license with your name and vital statistics but it has another guy’s name on it as your husband. First name Bret but the last name is wrong…Is this one of those fake things you can order?

Pam: Nope. I can honestly say, that is a legal marriage license issued by the great state of Texas. That’s legally me and it’s signed by the county clerk, has the official seal, and was formally filed in the county clerk’s office.

Ann: What on earth?

Pam: More than twenty years ago, when we received our marriage license in the mail I noticed that they had put the wrong last name on it for Bret. So I took it down to the county clerk’s office to straighten things out.

Ann: This sounds like that ‘I Love Lucy' episode where years later they find out that there was some problem with their paperwork when they got married. So Lucy reverts to being a single woman and makes Ricky jump through all these hoops and propose and everything.

Pam: Yeah, I wondered if we were legally married too. So I went to downtown and explained the problem. They didn’t seem terribly concerned or surprised so I guess it happens more often than you’d think.

Ann: So they fixed things for you?


Pam: Yeah, they typed up a new marriage certificate while I waited. That was back when they had to roll that fancy paper down into the typewriter and actually clack away at it. Then they put the official seal on it and everything.

Ann: So how’d you end up with the one with the wrong husband’s name on it?

Pam: Well, they gave me the new one and I checked it carefully. Then I asked the lady if she would mind making a Xerox of the one with the wrong name on it for me. I thought it was sort of funny and wanted to put a copy of it in my scrapbook to laugh at years down the road. And she said, “Oh just keep it, Sweetie. Pull it out anytime your husband makes you mad and tell him you’re going to look up your REAL husband!”

Ann: Pam, only you would have a spare husband to fall back on. Have you ever looked him up? Maybe he’s a poet…or super sexy… or wealthy…

Pam: No way! With my luck he’s probably in debt up to his eyeballs with the IRS and they’d hit me up for payments while he’s in prison for tax evasion!

Catch-22 and Release

Ann: Well I met Henry’s “chic de jour” today.

Pam: Was she his typical bimbo type?

Ann: Even more so than usual.

Pam: That’s hard to believe.

Ann: You wouldn’t believe it! She was wearing a t-shirt that was straining across her surgically enhanced chest and it said, “I wish these were brains”

Pam: Oh, my gosh! Imagine if they were. Talk about artificial intelligence. But she sounds like Henry’s type all right.

Ann: What is it with him? He’s older than we are and yet he still goes through women like my kids go through cash.

Pam: You know how some guys are. They don’t care what’s on the table for dinner. They still have to know what else is in the fridge. He’s always got his eye out for the next big conquest.

Ann: Looking for dessert I guess. But Henry always goes for these shallow, sexy women and then he ends up breaking up with them because they’re too teasing and flirtatious. Well duh! When do you think he’s finally going to settle down and get married?

Pam: I’d say pretty much never. I think he’s from the Groucho Marx school of romance. He would never marry any woman who would have him.

Ann: Well that approach will certainly keep him safe from the threat of matrimony.

Pam: It reminds me of a guy I used to know named Archie.

Ann: Was he a player too?

Pam: No, actually he was just the opposite of Henry. He’d only date very intelligent women. The problem was that as soon as he got past the first few dates and he quit trying so hard to be charming, his true colors would show. Basically he was a very difficult man.

Ann: So how does he remind you of Henry?

Pam: Well any woman smart enough for him to ask out was too smart to stick around for his nonsense. So like Henry, he’d set himself up nicely to assure he’d never actually get married. So, do you think Henry and his new buxom girl will last long?

Ann: I don’t know. But I’ll tell you, if she got her wish and those breasts were brains she’d be brilliant.

Pam: Well if that was the case, when Henry dumps her she’d be perfect for Archie.