Don't Laugh, It's Paid For

Pam: Once again, one of my solutions has created a problem.

Ann: Come judgment day, let’s hope we get credit for good intentions or you’re sunk.

Pam: Tell me about it! This time I came up with what I thought was the resolution to an ongoing squabble between the kids. You know we’re a four car family. Because Bret, Ross, Kate and I all have jobs and volunteer work that keep us running in four directions at once, we have to drive four beat up, used cars instead of one or two nice ones.

Ann: Hey, there’s a money-making venture for you. When the kids are away at school you can run your own Rent-A-Wreck operation.

Pam: Yeah, maybe then I could break even on the repairs. That’d work out because Bret and I drive the better two of our four ‘paid-for-but-still-running’ cars.

Ann: So you let the kids duke it out over who gets the better of the worst two?

Pam: There’s no Ross’ car or Kate’s car. Bret and I tell them that, as the parents and the ones who paid for them, all four cars belong to us. We just let them use the rent-a-wrecks when they’re home from college. Hey, we don’t even charge them. But we just call them ‘the Camry’ and the ‘Grand Prix’.

Ann: Do they fight over the Grand Prix? That’s a much cooler car. And it’s a lot newer too, isn’t it?

Pam: Yep. When they first came home this summer, it was ‘first come, first served’ on the better of the worst. That led to the infamous key hiding incident. Let me tell you, it got ugly. After that, they agreed to both carry copies of both car keys. But swapping cars constantly led to the arguments about who used up whose gas. It just wasn’t working.

Ann: Have you considered arbitration? Then again they say we learn to negotiate by growing up with siblings.

Pam: In that case mine should be ready for the United Nations diplomatic corps! Finally, I suggested that every Sunday after church they swap cars for a full week. They could just fill up the gas tanks before they swap and that would solve the ‘who-used-what-and-who-bought-how-much-when” arguments.

Ann: That actually sounds like a great solution. How’d it backfire?

Pam: This is where it takes a twist. Before my brilliant suggestion, Kate, being more charming, or at least more devious, had been driving the Grand Prix quite a bit since they got home a few weeks ago. That was the car all her friends had seen her in so far this summer.

Ann: I’m sure that’s the way she wanted it. When she did drive the Camry, she probably wore Groucho glasses, mustache and all.

Pam: I wouldn’t doubt it. So last Sunday we officially instituted the weekly full-tank car swap treaty. That put Kate in the old green Camry for the week.


Ann: Don’t you hate being Judge Judy? But it seems like a fair deal and I know how our kids still think life should be “fair”.

Pam: Wait ‘til you hear. Kate’s friends decided to mess with her and Sunday night they came over and dumped flour all over the Grand Prix and wrote on the windows in white shoe polish. Ross came out in the morning and was furious.

Ann: I know I shouldn’t laugh but that’s kind of funny. Did Ross get Kate to clean it up?

Pam: He tried, but she was already at work so he called her. She thought it was hysterical, which made him even more steamed. She told him, “It’s your car this week!” He was running late so he had to drive across town trailing a white cloud of flour with “Sexy Girl” and “Honk if you think I’m pretty” all over the car!

Ann: The least Kate could have done was tell him where she keeps her Groucho glasses.

Pam: Are you kidding? I already borrowed them. Have you seen my van lately?

Grounded For Life

Ann: Hannah had a little mishap in her car while pulling out of the driveway this morning.

Pam: Is she okay?

Ann: Yeah, she’s fine, the car’s fine, but our mailbox didn’t survive.

Pam: A lot of fender benders happen that way. Did I ever tell you how I got grounded because my brother had a fender bender pulling out of our driveway?

Ann: You got grounded? Were you in his car and you distracted him somehow? Were you fighting over the radio station? My sister and I had that problem.

Pam: I wasn’t even in the car. And it wasn’t his car. We only had two cars - mom’s and dad’s. He’d just started driving.

Ann: But you got grounded? Okay, I have to know…

Pam: I was fourteen and he was sixteen and we’d been bickering. I wanted him to drop me by my friend’s house on his way somewhere else. He didn’t want to take the time, and we fought about it.

Ann: I think most siblings fight about that as soon as the oldest starts to drive.

Pam: When he headed out the front door to leave, I followed him, changing my pleas to threats. He ignored me and hopped into my mother’s car and quickly backed out of the driveway. In his rush, he turned the wheel too soon and backed my mom’s car smack into my dad’s car which was parked in the street.

Ann: You’re kidding!

Pam: I was convinced it was divine retribution and was laughing out loud as he got out to check the damage on both cars.

Ann: Wow. Way to show compassion, sis.

Pam: I was taunting him and laughing as he walked back into the house to confess. Moments later he came back outside with my dad, who looked furious, taking huge strides towards the cars while tightening his bathrobe sash.

Ann: So how’d you end up getting grounded?

Pam: Well, my father didn’t quite appreciate the humor of the situation like I did. I was literally rolling around on the front lawn holding my sides from the ache from laughing so hard. My father told me to stop but I just couldn’t. When I kept laughing, he told me to go to my room.

Ann: He was pretty mad, huh?

Pam: Yeah. I was weak with laughter but I dragged myself to my room. When he came in later he told me that my brother wasn’t grounded but that I was. Then he gave me this big lecture on how wrong it is to take pleasure in other people’s pain, especially family members. And he ended with the words, “You’re grounded until you learn to show compassion towards your brother.”

Ann: Didn’t you think it was pretty unfair that you were the only one punished when it was your brother who wrecked both family cars?

Pam: No, it was totally worth it! The best grounding I ever had! To this day I still smile at the memory.

Ann: I guess that means you’re still grounded.