Cruise Where?

Pam: I know I’m getting older just looking at my mail. Lately I’m consistently getting these clothes catalogs aimed at a woman ‘of a certain age’.

Ann: I know the ones you mean. Half of it’s filled with what they call ‘cruise-wear’ which is catalog code for two-piece, elastic-waisted, old lady jogging suits.

Pam: Old ladies jog?

Ann: They don’t jog in them! They sit around the retirement home in them. But these outfits are warm for old bones, easy to get on and off, and are wash and wear…perfect for old ladies.

Pam: So where do the cruises come in?

Ann: You’re not usually this dense! The catalogs just call it cruise-wear to make them feel better about buying the old-lady-sit-around-the-retirement-home clothes.

Pam: Okay, for the record, I am not getting catalogs filled with ‘cruise-wear’. But now I know what I have to look forward to, thank you very much.

Ann: So what kind of catalogs are you getting that make you feel old?

Pam: I was referring to catalogs that don’t have the career clothes and sexy evening stuff I’m used to seeing. Suddenly all the pictures are of women in gardens with big floppy hats and on beaches with big floppy hats. The clothes are all loose fitting and drawstring. Frankly these women look like they’re walking around in their pajamas.

Ann: And big floppy hats. Okay, I get it. And the ‘dressy’ stuff is all tapestry jackets and sequined moccasins?

Pam: Exactly! What the heck?


Ann: You’re getting the ‘near retirement’ stuff. Are you seeing lots of 'mom-jeans' and grandmothers in kitchens making cookies with four-year-olds?

Pam: …in big floppy hats. Yes! That’s them.

Ann: You’re a step below ‘cruise wear’. It’s the matronly stuff. No more close fitting, sexy stuff. Just clothes designed to hide your body.

Pam: Yeah. Not a waistline among them. The models are clearly very fit, slim, older women but these clothes make them look horrible. God, if the models in the catalog look ugly in these clothes, just imagine how a normal person would look!

Ann: Hey, you always wanted to look like the models in the catalog. Here’s your chance.

Pam: God forbid! But seriously, I worry that I’ll slowly get used to seeing this stuff and then I’ll start ordering it without realizing I’m building a matronly wardrobe. How can I be sure I’m buying clothes that are appropriate for my age?

Ann: That’s easy. You can always tell if you’re looking at a catalog geared at an older audience by the adjectives they use to describe the clothes. When you start seeing words like ‘jazzy, fabulous, festive, snappy, and breezy’ you know you’ve crossed over into the older woman’s stuff.

Pam: I don’t even know what some of these clothes are by the description. This catalog today had a center pull-out section. It was clearance stuff from earlier in the year. There were no pictures, just descriptions of what was on sale. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what they were selling.

Ann: Give me a for instance.

Pam: Okay, just a sec….I have the catalog here….For example, what the heck is a “Crisply-cropped, kimono type, embroidered inset, faux wrap, travel knit, effortless, paisley bordered duster”?

Ann: You got me. But my mom used to call her summer housecoat a duster.

Pam: See, my grandmother used to call the lightweight overcoat she wore a duster.

Ann: You should order it just to see what the heck it is.

Pam: How would I even know if I got the right thing? I actually scared myself today as I flipped through this thing and caught myself thinking, “Well, a crinkled reversible skirt in a garden floral print would be great for travel”.

Ann: Have you booked your cruise yet?

Pam: You mean our cruise, we’ve got adjoining accommodations.