The Spirituality Of Computer Science

Pam: Remember, I was in college back before everyone grew up on computers and the Internet didn’t even exist. But I knew they’d be important in the future so I signed up for a computer class.

Ann: Heck, when I was in school, “keyboarding” was still “typing class”.

Pam: Well this course was designed to give non-geeks a general overview of computers and how they work. The big draw was that the students in this class were actually going to work on a real computer.

Ann:Ooooooh! Impressive.

Pam: Alright, enough with the wisecracks. So on the first day we all went to the computer lab to get on a computer and fill out an information form about ourselves. It requested basic information, name, major, that kind of stuff. The last question was, “Why did you sign up for this class?”

Ann: What’d you put?

Pam: The basic canned answer. How computers were going to play a critical role in the future of all careers. I finished with, “And I believe it’s important to have a general knowledge of computers to be a well-rounded citizen.”

Ann: Yep...that’s a pretty canned answer.

Pam: So on the first test day we’re all assembled in the lecture hall and the professor announces that each of us will earn up to ten bonus points on the test based on our answer to his “Why did you take this course?” question.

Ann: Wow, I bet you wished you’d given it a lot more thought then. I’m sure everyone put pretty much what you did.

Pam: That’s what I figured. Then the next week when the tests were returned, the professor announced that only one student was given the full ten bonus points and congratulated me for my creativity as he handed me my paper.

Ann: That lame answer earned you the only full bonus points given in the class?

Pam: I was surprised too. So I looked at my test and the professor had written, “Bonus points = 10. Way to think outside the box! I’m a spiritual man myself. Keep up the good work.”

Ann: Outside the box? Spiritual? Something doesn’t add up. Did you get back the wrong paper?

Pam: No, it was mine. But what had happened was that somehow either I screwed up or the computer did, and my whole answer was wiped out except for the last three letters of the last word, “citizen”. I received full bonus points for saying the reason I signed up for his course was “ZEN”!

Stevie, We Hardly Knew Ya

Ann: Hannah scared me to death this afternoon. She walked out to get the mail when I heard her let out an ear piercing scream. My heart stopped as I simultaneously imagined she’d broken her ankle, been hit by a car, or been attacked by a rabid squirrel.

Pam: Oh my gosh! What happened? Is she okay?

Ann: She’s fine. It turned out to be a good screech not a bad one. She’d opened a letter while standing at the box. She’s been accepted into her first choice college. We’re thrilled.

Pam: Congratulations! That’s wonderful news! But let me tell you, you’d better get used to those heart-stopping moments she gave you.

Ann: Well, things will quiet down once she’s settled up north in the dorm.

Pam: Don’t bet on it. Last week Kate called me from school with terrible news. I literally ached inside as she described what happened.

Ann: Wow. You didn’t tell me anything about it. What’s up?

Pam: When I answered the phone she was clearly distraught and told me, “Mom, Stevie’s dead!”

Ann: Oh, my gosh!

Pam: As she began to tell me how much she was going to miss him I was scrambling in my mind to remember who exactly Stevie was. At first I thought he was a hometown boy from her high school, but then she said something about how much she had enjoyed his company this semester.

Ann: So he was a student at her college? Did you know him?

Pam: For the life of me, with the shock of the news, I couldn’t place where I’d met him. I felt like a terrible mom because clearly from the way Kate was talking, they were quite close and she was very upset he was gone.

I didn’t want to admit to Kate I couldn’t remember someone that was so important to her so to buy a little time to try to place him, I said, “Oh Kate, that’s terrible! What happened?” As I waited for her to answer I’m kicking myself because I just can’t believe I don’t remember this boy.

Ann: Well you can’t be expected to remember every single friend she’s met up at school. It’s understandable. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Pam: Then my heart went from aching to entirely broken in two when Kate said, “I just couldn’t believe it when I watched him hit the concrete. It was the most terrible thing I ever saw!”

Ann: He fell? Or did he jump? Kate was there? How awful! That poor girl…

Pam: So now I’m picturing her witnessing this tragedy and I’m still trying to remember who this young man was. Finally, with the full shock of the event crashing down on me, I decided I’d better confess I can’t remember Stevie and I ask Kate, “Sweetie, I’m so sorry this has happened but I hate to admit it…I don’t remember him. Who exactly is Stevie?”

And she says, “Mom, you know Stevie. You met him when I moved into the dorm.”

Ann: So you did meet him…

Pam: Apparently. And I ask, “Was he one of the guys who helped you move in?” Instantly Kate goes from sounding sincerely distraught to giggling when she realized that I truly didn’t remember Stevie.

Ann: Giggling?!

Pam: Yep. She says, “Mom, you remember! ‘Stevie the TeeVee’…He was the used television I bought for my dorm room. My friend Vicky wanted to borrow him and when we were carrying him across campus to her dorm we dropped him and he broke into pieces when he hit the sidewalk.”

I’d forgotten her habit of naming inanimate objects. I swear one of these days that girl is going to send ME to the same place Stevie is!

Ann: (Laughing) My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time of great loss.

Pam: Very funny!

The Socialist Easter Egg “Hunt”

Pam: Did I ever tell you what Kate said when she was a little girl and I asked her if there really was an Easter bunny?

Ann: No, what’d she say?

Pam: She told me the Easter Bunny must be alive and well. Otherwise, who was posing for all those chocolate rabbits she sees in the store?

Ann: Kids can be pretty funny. Last week I overheard a little boy about eight or nine years old talking with what looked like his grandmother. He was asking her if he’d get to play with his cousins at her house on Easter. She told him, “Yes, your Aunt Sara and the kids will come over right after church in the morning.”

Then he said, “You mean church is open on Easter?” You could see on her face that she wasn’t too happy about this little boy’s lack of understanding about the holiday.

Pam: That’s pretty funny. But it’s not just little kids. I knew a teenage boy once who eagerly accepted an invitation from a pretty girl to go with her to a “Passion Play”. Let me tell you, he was mighty disappointed when it turned out to be something very different than he had expected!

Ann: A woman in my church choir told us at rehearsal about something her nephew said. It just finally dawned on him that the Jesus that dies and is resurrected on Easter is the same Jesus that is born at Christmas. He told his aunt, “Now I know Jesus could do miracles! Because if he was born in December and died at Easter, how else could he grow up so big in just five months?”

Pam: I miss having little kids around to make me laugh like that. This year I tried to recapture some of that fun of Easter with little ones around. Ever since the kids were in high school we haven’t had an Easter egg hunt. Now that they’re in college I realized I really missed seeing their eyes light up as they raced around the house and yard trying to beat each other to every new discovery. So I had the great idea of putting cash in those little plastic eggs and stashing them all over. I had ones, fives, tens and even twenties!

So after church today I told the kids that they were in for a treat. I told them that there were treasures to be found and let them know what I did. I expected their eyes to light up like old times and see them racing excitedly around trying to be the one to come up with the most cash. You know how competitive they were as kids.

Ann: They must have loved that!

Pam: You’d think. But instead they looked at me like I was nuts. Kate heaved a big sigh like this was going to be a chore. Then Ross, looking equally annoyed with me says to Kate, “You want to just stumble across them throughout the day and then pool the cash and split it down the middle?”

Ann: How funny! So much for your fun, huh?

Pam: I told them that I was disappointed they weren’t scrambling around trying to find the eggs and come away with the most loot. And they said, “Gosh Mom…what would Jesus do?”

Ann: They have a point!

If The Snake's On Fire

Pam: When Ross was little we lived in a house in a new neighborhood in the suburbs. It had a wonderful big back yard that backed up to a sixty-acre community park that had been cleared out of the natural brush of the area. I really enjoyed long walks with my little guy along the creek that ran through the park.

Ann: It sounds really nice.

Pam: It was. But our paradise was shattered when we came home one day to a notice on the door warning us that more than one rattlesnake had been discovered in the park! It said we should carefully check our back yard each day before letting out the dogs or children!

Ann: Wow. That’s scary!

Pam: I was petrified. I’d check the yard vigilantly before I’d send out our dog and then watch him check the yard before I’d let Ross go out into the yard and play. But I was still really frightened at the thought that a snake might crawl into the yard while he played.

Ann: As scared as you were, you can only do so much. Ross was pretty little then, huh? Did you try to talk to him about it without scaring him?

Pam: Yeah I did. We chatted about snakes and how some were dangerous and he assured me he knew all about them already. So I asked him if he knew what to do if he ever saw a snake.

Ann: Did he?

Pam: Well, his eyes lit up at the question and he said, “Mommy I’ve learned a lot about emergencies and I know just what to do.”

Feeling a little relieved I told him that was wonderful and asked him to tell me what he should do if he ever saw a snake. And he said, “That one’s easy….stop, drop, and roll!”

Creative Incompetence

Pam: I’ve decided people sometimes do things badly just to force someone else to take over.

Ann: You just figured that out?

Pam: It’s like Tom Sawyer painting the fence only in reverse. Instead of saying “This is so fun. Too bad you don’t have a fence to paint. Aren’t I lucky!” they say, “I’m terrible at painting. You’re such a better painter than I am. I guess I should leave all the painting up to you.”

Ann: Yep. Years ago I heard it called “creative incompetence”. My ex was the master of it. In fact, I think he invented it. He could take any job he agreed to do and screw it up so badly I’d be sure never to ask again.

Pam: I don’t think it’s always intentional.

Ann: Yeah, well you’re not as cynical as I am. Who’s the creative one this time?

Pam: I sent Bret to take Kate for an MRI. It was just a follow-up scan for the open-heart surgery she had long ago as a toddler. She has no symptoms, is absolutely fine, and this was purely routine, so I figured it was okay to send her with her own father.

Ann: Let me guess, he forgot to take her?

Pam: Worse. He arrived at the clinic, filled out the paperwork, and went with her to the back where he sat just outside the room with the MRI machine. They had Kate undress and put on a gown and they put her in the machine and started to do the scan.

Ann: Sounds good so far.

Pam: But the machine was acting strange. They seemed to be having some sort of interference. So they go in the room and ask Kate if she forgot to take off a bra or a necklace because any metal can mess up the magnetism of the scan. She honestly tells them no. Then they go out to the area where Bret is waiting and ask if Kate has any metal in her body. They explain if she does, they can account for it and adjust the machine but they have to know it’s there. He assures them she doesn’t have any metal in her body.

Ann: So far so good. How’d he screw up?

Pam: Just wait. So they continue to try to do the scan and they still get all these weird results. Finally they decide that the machine is broken and cancel Kate’s scan as well as the rest of the scans for the day on that machine.

Ann: So how’s that Bret’s fault?

Pam: Kate does have metal in her body and Bret knows it! When they did her heart surgery they put her sternum back together with these big wire twist ties. He’s seen them on the chest x-rays plenty of times.

Ann: So why didn’t Kate tell them? She must know she has metal in her chest.

Pam: They never asked her about metal in her body. They only asked her if she was wearing a bra or necklace. There’s a question about metal in her body on the paperwork Bret filled out when they got there, but he checked “none”. And then when they asked him again in person he was outside the MRI room and Kate was still in the machine. They figured a father would know if there was metal in his daughter’s body.

Ann: You’d think.

Pam: So he comes home and tells me how they kept asking him if she had metal in her body and that they finally decided the machine was broken. I just stared at him in disbelief and asked “What about all those wires they used to put her sternum back together?” His casual response was, “Oh yeah. I forgot.”

Ann: And the clinic cancelled all those appointments for nothing!

Pam: I called right away to tell them their MRI machine wasn’t malfunctioning. My husband was!

Ann: So I guess you’re going to take her back yourself?

Pam: No way. I’m not going to let him off that easy. I’m making him go back and face the music.

Ann: I’m sure they’ll give him quite a warm reception!

Pam: I can only hope.

Forced To Travel Light

Pam: How was your trip?

Ann: Fine except I nearly pulled a hamstring jumping through all the hoops. That TSA is really something. It wasn’t too bad though. The guy sitting next to me on the plane was a pilot. He was headed home from delivering a corporate jet to be repainted. He had some pretty interesting stories about flying after September 11th.

Pam: I’m sure that was a crazy time for anyone in aviation.

Ann: Actually he’d flown into Washington, DC on September 10th and he watched the Pentagon burn from his hotel balcony. He said they shut down Reagan International Airport in DC for about a week so he had to hang around to get his jet out of there.

Pam: What a mess. What about his passengers?

Ann: Once the commercial airlines were flying again he sent them home but he waited around until the FAA finally allowed private jets to leave.

He arranged to fly the jet back single-pilot and without passengers. In other words, he would be the only one on the airplane. But the TSA escorted him out onto the ramp and inspected the private jet for weapons. Then they confiscated his nail clippers, the tweezers from the first aid kit, and even the spoons from the galley!

Pam: Okay, that’s over the top!

Ann: He told the guy, “Listen, do you get that I will be absolutely alone on this aircraft? It never occurred to me to hijack myself with a spoon!”

Pam: I guess there’s no place for common sense in the regulations. I had something happen to me at that same airport. But instead of being too strict the TSA was actually way too lenient. I’m glad they let me through, but looking back, it’s pretty scary.

Ann: So they let you fly but confiscated your flask? That would be scary.

Pam: Very funny…So we were heading home and when we got to the airport I realized that somehow I lost my driver’s license. Bret was able to get my boarding pass using a credit card in the self-serve kiosk but I knew I would need a government issued ID to get through security.

Ann: What? (Laughing) Were your top secret CIA credentials with your driver’s license?

Pam: I was working undercover on this trip so no, I didn’t have them. So, anyway, I go to the first TSA agent at the entrance to security, you know the one who checks boarding passes and compares them to the ID, and I explain my problem. She asks if I have anything at all with a photo on it and I tell her all I have is my Costco card.

Ann: No way.

Pam: Yeah. So she says that will do but that I’ll have to undergo further screening and she marks my boarding pass accordingly. So Bret and I put our stuff on the conveyor belt…briefcase, laptop, carry-on suitcase, jacket, purse, shoes, the works.

Ann: They practically strip search you these days. You'd think they could make that more fun…

Pam: And so I walk through the metal detector and as expected I’m pulled aside for a closer look. Meanwhile Bret collects ALL our belongings and gets himself re-dressed. Since he’s loaded down pretty good, he motions to me that he’ll go ahead to the gate and I nod to him.

Then I have my intensive search. They “wand” my arms, legs, and bare feet, they pat down my sides and do the prayerful chopping hands thing down the center of my chest to check my bra. Finally they tell me that they'll also have to search my belongings and ask me to point them out among the items at the end of the conveyor belt.

Ann: But I thought Bret already gathered everything and went to the gate.

Pam: He did. So I tell them I don’t have anything and they say, “Okay then. You can go.” And they watch me walk to the gate with no suitcase, no purse, no jacket, and no belt. I was empty handed and barefoot as I left security and they thought nothing of it!

Ann: Maybe they figured you were going to the beach.

Catch-22 and Release

Ann: Well I met Henry’s “chic de jour” today.

Pam: Was she his typical bimbo type?

Ann: Even more so than usual.

Pam: That’s hard to believe.

Ann: You wouldn’t believe it! She was wearing a t-shirt that was straining across her surgically enhanced chest and it said, “I wish these were brains”

Pam: Oh, my gosh! Imagine if they were. Talk about artificial intelligence. But she sounds like Henry’s type all right.

Ann: What is it with him? He’s older than we are and yet he still goes through women like my kids go through cash.

Pam: You know how some guys are. They don’t care what’s on the table for dinner. They still have to know what else is in the fridge. He’s always got his eye out for the next big conquest.

Ann: Looking for dessert I guess. But Henry always goes for these shallow, sexy women and then he ends up breaking up with them because they’re too teasing and flirtatious. Well duh! When do you think he’s finally going to settle down and get married?

Pam: I’d say pretty much never. I think he’s from the Groucho Marx school of romance. He would never marry any woman who would have him.

Ann: Well that approach will certainly keep him safe from the threat of matrimony.

Pam: It reminds me of a guy I used to know named Archie.

Ann: Was he a player too?

Pam: No, actually he was just the opposite of Henry. He’d only date very intelligent women. The problem was that as soon as he got past the first few dates and he quit trying so hard to be charming, his true colors would show. Basically he was a very difficult man.

Ann: So how does he remind you of Henry?

Pam: Well any woman smart enough for him to ask out was too smart to stick around for his nonsense. So like Henry, he’d set himself up nicely to assure he’d never actually get married. So, do you think Henry and his new buxom girl will last long?

Ann: I don’t know. But I’ll tell you, if she got her wish and those breasts were brains she’d be brilliant.

Pam: Well if that was the case, when Henry dumps her she’d be perfect for Archie.

Little Miss Literal

Ann: As I’ve been sewing Hannah’s graduation dress this week, I keep thinking of her when she was a little girl.

Pam: She was a cutie. Still is.

Ann: I was remembering when she was about three. I asked her to run into my bedroom and bring me the paperback that was open, face-down on my nightstand. I told her, “Be sure not to loose my page.”

When she came back she handed me the closed book. I said, “I asked you not to loose my page.” And she said, “I didn’t Mommy. They’re all there!”

Pecked To Death By Ducks

Pam: I’ve sure had a Monday today. I feel really cruddy but unfortunately not quite cruddy enough.

Ann: I don’t get it. Are you sick? Why would you want to feel worse?

Pam: I’m not officially sick. I just have a serious case of the blahs. So I went to work but spent the whole day wishing I was at home.

Ann: Why didn’t you just take a mental health day and call in sick anyway? That’s what most people do.

Pam: If I stayed home every time I needed a mental health day I’d be a no-show at work most of the time. Besides, I’ve penciled in my nervous breakdown for the middle of next month.

Ann: Wow. It must be nice to be so organized.

Pam: Hey, just because I’m teetering on the edge doesn’t mean I have to give up on organization and structure.

Ann: Yeah, but if you had real confidence in your schedule, you’d have used ink.

But that teetering, I think it feels worse than being totally whacked out. It’s like when you’re really upset and you’re holding back the tears. That horrendous lump is worse than just letting go and sobbing.

Pam: Yeah, and don’t you think waiting for bad news is a lot harder than actually getting it? At least when your fears are confirmed you can adjust. You figure out how you feel about it and start to work towards getting back to normal. But that free fall of not knowing is the worst!

Ann: I don’t know if this is actually true but, I read that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has a lot less chance of surviving than if it falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for it to realize that it’s falling and correct itself so it’ll land on its feet.

Pam: I guess that could be true. But how on earth did they figure that out? I’m picturing a bunch of white coats with clipboards tossing cats out of windows just to bring us that little nugget of information.

But seriously, I think I’m like those cats. The twenty-floor drop problems, I can handle. But when it comes to the little stuff, I usually find myself suddenly kissing concrete.

Ann: I definitely handle life’s big challenges better than I do the little ones. Losing a job, my youngest leaving for college, health scares…I can steel myself and handle those. But I swear the damn moths that have been chewing holes in my sweaters have me at my wit’s end.

Pam: My grandfather used to say it was like being pecked to death by ducks. Unfortunate-ly he used the expression before I was old enough to understand metaphors and it made me terrified of ducks. Even worse, my bedroom at the time was decorated with a yellow ducky theme. I didn’t sleep for three years!

Ann: At least you’re laughing now.

Pam: I may be laughing but I still feel cruddy.

Ann: Well, maybe you could volunteer to be the test dummy for those cat tossing scientists if they decide to repeat the study on humans.

Pam: Or slather myself in peanut butter, roll around in a pile of croutons, go to the duck pond, and lie down with my arms crossed reverently over my chest.

April Foolish Things to Say

Pam: I was talking on the phone today to a guy on the east coast. I was going to have to call him back with some information so I asked what time he would be leaving for the day. He said, get this, “I’ll be here two more hours eastern time.”

Ann: Well we are in the south after all. Maybe an eastern hour is just quicker than a southern hour.

Pam: I was chuckling as I told him I’d be sure to convert that but I don’t think he even realized how dumb what he said was.

Ann: Yeah, well its worse when they do know. I was on the phone with tech support once and the guy was absolutely no help at all. I was very frustrated that he couldn’t solve my problem and I asked him if he had any ideas at all. He actually told me, “Try calling back tomorrow. It’s my day off and maybe somebody else can help you.”

Pam: Unbelievable! That’s almost as bad as what my US Postmaster said to me when I called to complain about a lost package. When I told him that it was vital that the package be located and delivered, he told me, “Well if it was that important, why didn’t you send it FedEx?”

Ann: That’s funny but it’s also sort of sad. So much for pride in your job, huh? How ‘bout this one? I called a restaurant to find out whether they were on the east or west side of the street. And the young girl who answered told me, “It depends on which direction you’re coming from.”

Pam: That’s pathetic. I love it when I’m giving directions and I tell someone to turn left and go north for a while. And they ask, “So do I go left or do I go north?” as if you couldn’t do both at the same time.

Ann: You mean you can? Just kidding…

Pam: Did I ever tell you about what the doctor asked me when I was in labor with my daughter?

Ann: I don’t think so. What’d he say?

Pam: I promise this is the absolute truth. I’d been in labor for about ten or twelve hours when my hubby thought it’d be a good idea to feed the troops. So he ordered pizza for the doctors and nurses and they all cleared out of my labor room to have their feast at the nurse’s station.

So I’m in the labor room all alone when I begin to feel the baby literally moving down and out. I used the button to alert the nurse’s station and after about a minute or two the doctor strolls in with a piece of pizza in his hand and tomato sauce dribbling onto the surgical mask hanging below his chin.

I tell him, “Doc, I feel the baby coming out!” And he asks, “Where?”

Ann: No way!

Pam: I’m serious! I just stared at him for a moment and then finally answered, “The usual place.” Actually that doctor ended up becoming a close friend of the family and years later I mentioned what he said that night.

Ann: What did he say?

Pam: He laughed out loud and said he guessed he must have missed that page in the textbook. Then he explained what he was probably asking was if I was feeling the pressure and pain in my abdomen or in my back.

Ann: Which part of “out” didn’t he understand?

Pam: Alright, I have to admit it. Once I said something even more stupid than any of this.

Ann: I don’t think that’s possible.

Pam: I shouldn’t even tell you this. It’s humiliating.

Ann: Oh go ahead. You’re safe with me.

Pam: We’d just arrived in town and we were out looking at houses. The kids were little, just two and four. Well, we finally settled on a house and as we were leaving the neighborhood I was cheerfully pointing out all the advantages of our new location. As we drove out of the subdivision I looked across the street and I said… (Silence)

Ann: Well? Go on…what’d you say?

Pam: This is so embarrassing…I said, “Oh look! How wonderful. We have a car wash within walking distance.”

Ann: Alright, I have to say, that at least ties for the top dumbest thing ever said. Did you even realize at the time how silly it was?

Pam: That’s what’s so sad. It took my four-year-old son asking quite seriously, “Mommy, why would anyone walk to a car wash?” before it sank in.

Ann: Bright boy. I guess he got his father’s brains!