Cyber Sexy

Pam: Since Kate took dual credit courses when she was in high school, I still get the local community college course schedule in the mail. I found the perfect class to get us in shape for swimsuit season.

Ann: Great! Tell me it’s something exciting enough to pull me away from my computer.

Pam: You won’t believe this, but you won’t have to leave your computer at all.

Ann: I thought it was an exercise class?

Pam: It’s an actual class for PE credit. Get this…an On-line Walking class.

Ann: You’ve got to be kidding!

Pam: No, I’m not. It’s a real class.

Ann: I don’t get it. You mean they teach you to walk a line? Are they teaching how to pass a drunk driving test?

Pam: No. Students get credit for logging onto their computers and entering the amount of walking they’ve done each week.

Ann: And parents are paying tuition for this?

Pam: Not this parent!

Ann: A virtual PE class? Now I’ve heard everything! Actually, it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.

Pam: You’ve definitely lost your mind.

Ann: Think about it. We could log our miles by walking an on-line mall to shop for our virtual swimsuits.

Pam: Finally, a world where we have perfect bodies!

Procrastinators Unite! (Later)

Ann: I just talked to Troy. Somehow he’s had another strong semester despite the total absence of an effective use of his time.

Pam: He just works so well under pressure he puts everything off until the last second because he’ll do better. You’ve got to admit, it works for him.

Ann: Sometimes I get the impression he thinks any deadline at all is an unreasonable one.

Pam: Yeah, Ross is the same way. He figures God didn’t create the world in seven days. He just pulled an all-nighter on the sixth! But they’re young. They just haven’t been bitten yet.

Ann: I know. I’d just hate for him to learn his lesson on something that really counts. He never factors in time for the unexpected. I’d hate for him to be late to an interview because of a flat tire or miss a great trip because he didn’t send his passport renewal in on time. Know what I mean?

Pam: I do. But they’re grown now. We can’t save them from themselves. And even if we could, we shouldn’t.

Ann: I can’t really blame Troy too much. When I was his age I was a major procrastinator too. I actually remember thinking anything worth doing would have been done already, so why bother?

Pam: I was that way too. Once, when I was their age, I screwed up a big assignment by waiting too late to get started. When the professor handed back my paper she calmly said, “Perhaps your purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others”. That got my attention.

Ann: Well Troy learned from the master. At his age my motto was the sooner I fall behind, the more time I’ll have to catch up. It’s hard to believe that actually made sense to me somehow!

Pam: Hey, I still tend to put things off sometimes. I rationalize that if I wait long enough, eventually some new technology or an amazing discovery will eventually relieve me of any obligation. Like laundry…where are those disposable clothes we’re supposed to be wearing by now?

Ann: Well at least we’re not beating our laundry on rocks in the river anymore.

Pam: Yeah, I’m sure all those dead pioneer women really appreciate the washing machines we have now.

Ann: They would if they hadn’t drowned in the river washing clothes.

Pam: If they’d known how to properly procrastinate they would have never met such a fate.

Ann: I once was on-line at a site where you could nominate yourself for a contest to be named the “World’s Best Procrastinator”. The first prize was a fabulous vacation to “relax from the hard work of putting things off”. The rules said you could only nominate yourself; no one else could do it for you.

Pam: Don’t tell me. You put off registering and missed the deadline.

Ann: No, I actually took the time to fill out the very detailed entry form, even writing a 250 word essay on “what procrastination has cost me”.

Pam: If you didn’t win I guess your entry wasn’t the most compelling one.

Ann: No, that wasn’t it. As soon as I finished filling out the entire form and polishing up my essay entry I hit send. Instantly a message popped up that said, "You’re immediately disqualified as a contestant in the 'World’s Best Procrastinator' contest due to the fact that you actually completed and submitted the required entry form!"

The Spirituality Of Computer Science

Pam: Remember, I was in college back before everyone grew up on computers and the Internet didn’t even exist. But I knew they’d be important in the future so I signed up for a computer class.

Ann: Heck, when I was in school, “keyboarding” was still “typing class”.

Pam: Well this course was designed to give non-geeks a general overview of computers and how they work. The big draw was that the students in this class were actually going to work on a real computer.

Ann:Ooooooh! Impressive.

Pam: Alright, enough with the wisecracks. So on the first day we all went to the computer lab to get on a computer and fill out an information form about ourselves. It requested basic information, name, major, that kind of stuff. The last question was, “Why did you sign up for this class?”

Ann: What’d you put?

Pam: The basic canned answer. How computers were going to play a critical role in the future of all careers. I finished with, “And I believe it’s important to have a general knowledge of computers to be a well-rounded citizen.”

Ann: Yep...that’s a pretty canned answer.

Pam: So on the first test day we’re all assembled in the lecture hall and the professor announces that each of us will earn up to ten bonus points on the test based on our answer to his “Why did you take this course?” question.

Ann: Wow, I bet you wished you’d given it a lot more thought then. I’m sure everyone put pretty much what you did.

Pam: That’s what I figured. Then the next week when the tests were returned, the professor announced that only one student was given the full ten bonus points and congratulated me for my creativity as he handed me my paper.

Ann: That lame answer earned you the only full bonus points given in the class?

Pam: I was surprised too. So I looked at my test and the professor had written, “Bonus points = 10. Way to think outside the box! I’m a spiritual man myself. Keep up the good work.”

Ann: Outside the box? Spiritual? Something doesn’t add up. Did you get back the wrong paper?

Pam: No, it was mine. But what had happened was that somehow either I screwed up or the computer did, and my whole answer was wiped out except for the last three letters of the last word, “citizen”. I received full bonus points for saying the reason I signed up for his course was “ZEN”!

Stevie, We Hardly Knew Ya

Ann: Hannah scared me to death this afternoon. She walked out to get the mail when I heard her let out an ear piercing scream. My heart stopped as I simultaneously imagined she’d broken her ankle, been hit by a car, or been attacked by a rabid squirrel.

Pam: Oh my gosh! What happened? Is she okay?

Ann: She’s fine. It turned out to be a good screech not a bad one. She’d opened a letter while standing at the box. She’s been accepted into her first choice college. We’re thrilled.

Pam: Congratulations! That’s wonderful news! But let me tell you, you’d better get used to those heart-stopping moments she gave you.

Ann: Well, things will quiet down once she’s settled up north in the dorm.

Pam: Don’t bet on it. Last week Kate called me from school with terrible news. I literally ached inside as she described what happened.

Ann: Wow. You didn’t tell me anything about it. What’s up?

Pam: When I answered the phone she was clearly distraught and told me, “Mom, Stevie’s dead!”

Ann: Oh, my gosh!

Pam: As she began to tell me how much she was going to miss him I was scrambling in my mind to remember who exactly Stevie was. At first I thought he was a hometown boy from her high school, but then she said something about how much she had enjoyed his company this semester.

Ann: So he was a student at her college? Did you know him?

Pam: For the life of me, with the shock of the news, I couldn’t place where I’d met him. I felt like a terrible mom because clearly from the way Kate was talking, they were quite close and she was very upset he was gone.

I didn’t want to admit to Kate I couldn’t remember someone that was so important to her so to buy a little time to try to place him, I said, “Oh Kate, that’s terrible! What happened?” As I waited for her to answer I’m kicking myself because I just can’t believe I don’t remember this boy.

Ann: Well you can’t be expected to remember every single friend she’s met up at school. It’s understandable. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Pam: Then my heart went from aching to entirely broken in two when Kate said, “I just couldn’t believe it when I watched him hit the concrete. It was the most terrible thing I ever saw!”

Ann: He fell? Or did he jump? Kate was there? How awful! That poor girl…

Pam: So now I’m picturing her witnessing this tragedy and I’m still trying to remember who this young man was. Finally, with the full shock of the event crashing down on me, I decided I’d better confess I can’t remember Stevie and I ask Kate, “Sweetie, I’m so sorry this has happened but I hate to admit it…I don’t remember him. Who exactly is Stevie?”

And she says, “Mom, you know Stevie. You met him when I moved into the dorm.”

Ann: So you did meet him…

Pam: Apparently. And I ask, “Was he one of the guys who helped you move in?” Instantly Kate goes from sounding sincerely distraught to giggling when she realized that I truly didn’t remember Stevie.

Ann: Giggling?!

Pam: Yep. She says, “Mom, you remember! ‘Stevie the TeeVee’…He was the used television I bought for my dorm room. My friend Vicky wanted to borrow him and when we were carrying him across campus to her dorm we dropped him and he broke into pieces when he hit the sidewalk.”

I’d forgotten her habit of naming inanimate objects. I swear one of these days that girl is going to send ME to the same place Stevie is!

Ann: (Laughing) My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time of great loss.

Pam: Very funny!