Friends In High Places

Pam: Henry and his ‘chick du jour’ came over last night. I’ve got to hand it to him…he’s consistent.

Ann: He certainly has a type. When he asks a woman the capitol of Texas and she answers “T”, he knows he found his next temporary keeper. So this one qualifies, huh?

Pam: Let me put it this way…I doubt she’s ever uttered the word ‘checkmate’.

Ann: What'd y’all do?

Pam: They came by to play some cards. We were sitting in the family room and she says, “Oh, I see you know the pope!”

Ann: What on earth gave her that idea?

Pam: Speaking slowly and using very simple words, that’s what I asked her. She said, “Well he’s standing there with your kids in that picture.”

Ann: You don’t have a photo of Ross and Kate with the pope.

Pam: Yeah, she was talking about their confirmation picture. I explained that wasn’t the pope but the bishop. And she said, “But he’s got the pointy hat on!”

Ann: She thought only the pope wears a mitre?

Pam: I don’t think she ‘thinks’ at all. But she’s got everything Henry looks for in a woman. She was telling us that when she was on the swim team in high school she would have won the breast stroke championship but the other girls kept cheating by using their arms.

Ann: She did not! You’re awful! I swear, someday that man is going to have a coronary dating all these young things. He’s not a kid anymore.

Pam: Then he’s in trouble because he’ll die while this chick-a-dee tries to dial 911. She’ll never find the eleven!

Ann: Certainly she’s heard it called 9-1-1 and can pick out those numbers.


Pam: Don’t be so sure. Last night we were trying to teach her to play Blackjack. She got really mad because she couldn’t figure out if an ace was a one or an eleven. The idea that it could be either was too much for her pretty little head.

Ann: She can’t be as bad as that last one. I’ll never forget that girl at the Christmas party! She said she’d love to learn to water ski but that none of our lakes in Texas have slopes. I about choked on my appetizer.

Pam: Bret cracked a good one when Henry and his date left. He said if that girl ever cooked a turkey she’d bake it for five days. I said, “Okay, I’ll bite. Why?” And he said, “Because the instructions say cook one hour per pound and she weighs 125 pounds.”

Ann: You never know. She might be a terrific cook.

Pam: Yeah, especially since she’s buddies with Chef BoyArDee. I saw his picture in her pantry.



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Out Of The Mouths of Babes

Ann: I about died laughing at what little Charlie said at the party Saturday night! Wasn’t that hysterical?

Pam: What did he say?

Ann: About his mother being drunk.

Pam: Wow. I missed that. I guess I wasn’t in the room at the time. What happened?

Ann: It was so funny. A bunch of us ladies were standing around swapping menopause stories and I was saying that what bothered me the most was the mood swings. I asked Charlie’s mom, Cathy, if she finds herself crying for no reason or inexplicably snapping at her family. She said she didn’t think so but that only her husband and boys could give a truthful answer to that question.

Just then little Charlie comes in and sees Cathy with a glass of wine in her hand, chatting and laughing with me and the other ladies about night sweats and such. He watched us all for a few minutes and then breaks into our little circle and looks up at her and says, “Oh great. Dad couldn’t come tonight and now you’re drunk. Who’s going to drive home? Me?”

Pam: Was she really drunk? That’s not like her at all.

Ann: She was on her first glass of wine for goodness sakes. But Charlie was seriously concerned.

Pam: What did Cathy say to him?

Ann: She tells him what I just said, that she’s only had one glass of wine and that by the time they’re planning to leave in a few hours she will most certainly be absolutely fine to drive them home.

But then Charlie says, “But you’re drunk!” And so I ask, “Charlie, what on earth makes you think your mother is drunk?” And he says, “Because she’s never this happy at home!”

Pam: He didn’t! How funny!

Ann: We were all in stitches. Honestly, we were wiping the tears from our eyes. And without missing a beat Cathy says to me, “I guess that answers your earlier question about if menopause has affected my mood!”

Pam: Little Charlie is the master of unintentional humor. One of my favorites is when I was babysitting him when he was about three. We were on the floor playing with his cars and I was chatting with him, helping him learn to answer basic questions about his family.

I asked, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” And he said, “I have two brothers.” And I asked, “What are their names?” and he gave me their names. Then I asked, “Who else is in your family?” And he said, “Mommy and daddy.” And I asked, “And what are their names?”

Charlie answers, “Cathy and Daddy.” And I say, “Yes, your mommy’s name is Cathy, but what is your daddy’s name?” And he says, “Daddy!” So trying to get him to understand by getting at it a different way. I ask, “No, Daddy is what you call him. But he has a name. What does your mommy call daddy?” And Charlie pauses, looks down at the floor and mumbles, “I’m not allowed to say.”

Ann: Hysterical! But it kind of makes me wonder what my kids might have said over the years.

Pam: Me too. But I don’t even want to know!